Message in a Bottle Horoscopes

This week’s horoscopes arrive as a message in a bottle for each sign. A few appear to contain profound insights. Others seem to have been written during long delays at a government office. One or two were almost certainly intended for someone else. As always, the universe declines to answer questions regarding authenticity.

🍾 Aries … Your message reads: “You were right once. Please stop commemorating that occasion.” This week offers another opportunity to be correct and to keep your mouth shut about it.

🍶 Taurus … Inside your bottle is a handwritten receipt for something you have not purchased yet. Keep it. Returning your future mistake will save everyone a surprising amount of paperwork.

🍾 Gemini … Your bottle contains two contradictory messages, each insisting the other is counterfeit. Following either one leads to the same oddly satisfying conclusion.

🍶 Cancer … Your note simply says, “Check behind the chair.” You do. Then you spend several days wondering whether you have overlooked an important one.

🍾 Leo … Your bottle contains a heartfelt apology. Unfortunately, it is signed only, “You Know Who.” You do not.

🍶 Virgo … Your message contains detailed instructions for organizing your spice rack by emotional significance. Against all reason, the system will work beautifully.

🍾 Libra … A tiny map points toward Inner Peace. Upon arrival, you will discover it is closed  for maintenance.

🍶 Scorpio … Your message has been virtually redacted. The remaining words, “trust”… “Tuesday”… “ferret,” should not be combined under any circumstances.

🍾 Sagittarius … Your  bottle contains another, much smaller bottle. That one contains an even smaller bottle. Eventually you will realize curiosity was the horoscope all along.

🍶 Capricorn … A typed note informs you that your breakthrough has been rescheduled. Please remain available and avoid unnecessary optimism.

🍾 Aquarius … Your message is clearly intended for a dolphin. Even so, the advice about difficult relatives is surprisingly applicable.

🍶 Pisces … Your bottle contains only the words, “Nice try.” Strangely, you will find this more encouraging than criticism has any right to be.

Find additional horoscopes from the back of beyond by clicking here if you dare.