Horoscopes Week of (06/01/25)

A wholly inaccurate and  totally unnecessary astrological forecast rooted in superpowers.

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Unstoppable Momentum Once you start, nothing (not even physics) can stop you. Barriers crumble, traffic parts, and laundry folds itself from sheer intimidation.

♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Food Summoning You call forth plated gourmet meals, complete with amuse bouche, at will. The downside? You still have to clean up.

♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Rapid-Fire Multitasking Answer five texts, finish three projects, debate two opinions, and still have time to contemplate the meaning of life—all simultaneously.

♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Emotional Shield Your aura of wholesome coziness deflects negativity. Passive-aggressive emails bounce off you like raindrops off a duck.

♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Spotlight Control Mere mortals brighten up every room they enter. You, however, turn every room into a stage. No bad lighting. No bad angles. Eternal fabulousness. Warning: Your selfies may cause solar flares.

♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Sublime  Touch You straighten crooked picture frames telekinetically. Every spreadsheet balances itself. Even your coffee cup refuses to spill.

♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Charm Manipulation Your arguments scan like Shakespearean couplets in iambic pentameter, and your shopping discounts mysteriously double. No one can refuse you.

♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Telepathic Smolder People feel you watching them—even when you’re not. Secrets spill just from your piercing gaze. You say nothing. They confess everything.

♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Infinite Wanderlust You teleport at will—vacation, festivals, spontaneous road trips, wherever adventure calls. Sadly, your luggage never arrives on time.

♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – Hyper Efficiency You complete a year’s worth of goals before breakfast. Unchecked, this leads to a world where you run everything—including the actual moon.

♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Idea Lightning Your brain generates revolutionary concepts at breakneck speed. Some are genius. Some involve cats piloting spaceships. No one knows which is which.

♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Dream Reality Bending You warp reality to fit your wildest fantasies. Unfortunately, you occasionally turn grocery stores into enchanted forests, and now there are fairies in the cereal aisle.

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