Daily Irregular Horoscopes, Wednesday, July 23, 2025
“The stars are lying again. Best to lie with them.”
♌ Leo (7/23 ‑ 8/22): Confidence level: 112 percent. Accuracy of your opinions: 14 percent. A cult may try to recruit you today, possibly while you’re buying grapes. The stars suggest you lead it. Dress code: golden robes and Bluetooth earpieces. Your lucky word is “conflagration.”
♍ Virgo (8/23 ‑ 9/22):As an Earth sign, you are ruled by your intestines and nervous system. Among your colors, not surprisingly, are brown and bile‑green. Your musical notes are L-flat and Z-sharp. Your lucky numbers are III, V, IX, XIII and XLIV. What’s all this add up to? LXXIV, of course. Beyond that, your guess is as good as mine.
♎ Libra (9/23 ‑ 10/23): You accidentally become the arbitrator in a squirrel custody battle. Justice is not blind—it just has cataracts. Romance is possible, but only if you fancy people who think Crocs are formal wear. Your aura smells faintly of cedar and regret.
♏ Scorpio (10/24 ‑ 11/21): You’ll unlock a deep secret today: your coffee mug has been lying to you. Rage simmers beneath your calm like a volcano wearing a tiara. Avoid interpretive mime, unless you’re armed. Jealousy shows up around noon. Serve it lemonade and ask what it wants.
♐ Sagittarius (11/22 ‑ 12/21): You feel untethered, like a balloon released at a clown funeral. An old mentor reappears in the form of a sentient vending machine. Travel is favored unless it involves nuns, time zones, or Nebraska.
♑ Capricorn (12/22 ‑ 1/19): You will be mistaken for someone with a plan. Do not correct this impression. Today is right for building empires, burning bridges, or organizing your bookshelf by emotional damage. Saturn says chill, but you say “Let’s monetize this spiral!”
♒ Aquarius (1/20 ‑ 2/18): You’re two steps ahead and three dimensions sideways. People will ask you to explain yourself. Don’t. Just hand them a kazoo and vanish in a puff of glitter. Technology malfunctions around you—probably because you’re a cyborg and no one’s told you yet.
♓ Pisces (2/19 ‑ 3/20): Dreams blend with reality today. That’s not symbolic—you literally may not know if you’re awake. Someone offers you a pineapple and a prophecy. Accept both. Avoid reflective surfaces and inner monologues. They’ve been hacked.
♈ Aries (3/21 ‑ 4/19): Your spirit guide, a bookish-looking possum wearing a glasses, will advise you to challenge authority by refusing to acknowledge stop signs. Today all conversations end in fire or fondue—possibly both. Avoid eye contact with anyone named Greg.
♉ Taurus (4/20 ‑ 5/20): You will have the sudden urge to buy a waffle iron and name it Jean-Claude. Financially, you’re as stable as a one-legged table, but balance is overrated. Someone will mistake you for a certified dolphin therapist. Roll with it.
♊ Gemini (5/21 ‑ 6/21): You wake up speaking fluent Esperanto. Again. You start an argument with yourself and lose. Career prospects improve if you stop bringing your imaginary friend to HR meetings. Mercury’s in reverse park, and all your exes are slowly backing toward you.
♋ Cancer (6/22 ‑ 7/22): Your emotions are bubbling like a toddler in a jacuzzi. A mysterious envelope arrives. Inside is a coupon for “One Free Existential Crisis.” Use it before 4 p.m. or you will default to interpretive dance as your primary communication style.
Bonus Cosmic Debris Forecast, One Size Fits Awe: Pluto is doing donuts in your psychic parking lot. Uranus sends its regards. You are not obligated to make sense today. Or any day, really. Need a lucky number? Too bad. You get a haunted emoji instead: 🫠
