Chip Hilton, Author at Postcards from The Pug Bus - Page 3 of 27

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

MD

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

RC

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

NV

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

NCTE Outraged over Time’s Choice of the Clitoris as Person of the Year

Chip Hilton 10 years

The National Council for Transgender Equality (NCTE) charged today that Time magazine’s choice of the clitoris as its 2015 Person of the Year “invalidates the narratives” of… Read More

New iPad 5 Will Introduce Fading Keypad Letters

Chip Hilton 13 years

The big whisper from the Apple campus here in Cupertino is that Apple’s new iPad 5 and iPad Mimi 2 will introduce fading keypad letters.… Read More

NSA Instrumental in Busting Thai Gang Selling Fake Elephant IDs

Chip Hilton 13 years

BANGKOK(AP)– The National Security Agency (NSA) is claiming to have played “a major role” in helping police in Thailand to break up a gang that… Read More

Obama Unfriends Putin on Facebook, International Crisis Looms

Chip Hilton 13 years

The Pug Bus learned overnight that President Barack Obama has unfriended Russian president Vladimir Putin on Facebook in retaliation for Mr. Putin’s offering temporary asylum… Read More

Taylor Swift Placed Under Suicide Watch (Breaking News)

Chip Hilton 13 years

READING, Pa.–Taylor Swift has been placed under a suicide watch by concerned members of her entourage, the Pug Bus learned today. The popular, six-foot-tall singer-songwriter… Read More

Sex Scandal Rocks Christian Mingle: Breaking News

Chip Hilton religion 13 years

WEST CHESTER, Pa. – The massively popular dating site Christian Mingle has been rocked by a sex scandal. “Threesomes, foursomes, pedophilia, bestiality, anal sex, cock… Read More

Pug Bus Pop Quiz

Prince Harry, Chelsy Davy Breakup Quiz

Chip Hilton 13 years

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Royal watchers have been off their HP Sauce since British tabloids began reporting over the weekend that Prince Harry and his… Read More

Tim Lincecum Sues Minor-League Mascot “Dog Cy” for Identity Theft and Emotional Distress

Chip Hilton dog, sporting life 15 years

Former Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum has filed what experts are already calling “the most delightfully avoidable lawsuit of the season” against Dog Cy, the… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.