philmaggitti – Page 25 – postcards from the pug bus

Barbaro, Exhausted by Clichés, Gives Up the Good Fight

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UNIONVILLE, PA–Barbaro had the heart of a champion, an iron-clad will, and a look in his eye that told the world he knew just how special he was, but in the end the clichés proved too much for even such a gallant warrior as he. For 254 days the game runner fought back valiantly against Read More

Celebrities

Paula Abdul Suffering from Rare Disease

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LOS ANGELES – Paula Abdul, who is behaving queerly again during televised interviews, suffers from a rare disease that frequently makes her look and act as if she were on the last day of a three-day bender. According to the American Idol judge’s private internist, Sydney Lumberra, M.D., Ms. Abdul is afflicted with paradoxical complex, simple regional-and-local Read More

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Enters Rehab for Remedial English

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LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan, whose grammar-challenged BlackBerry messages had all of Hollywood wondering if English was her first language, checked herself into a remedial writing-and-spelling program at an undisclosed location yesterday. The actress issued the following statement through her representative, Leslie Sloane Zelnik: “I have made a Proactiv decision to seek adequite help. I Read More

Music

Keith Urban Tour Sponsored by O’Doul’s

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NASHVILLE, Tenn. – Keith Urban, fresh out of a three-month residency for alcohol abuse treatment at the Betty Ford clinic, will ease back into drinking on stage again with a short run of club shows in the United Kingdom and Germany beginning in April. Paul Freundlich, the country singer’s publicist, confirmed that the shows will Read More

Celebrities

Jessica Simpson Wants to Adopt a Pillow Angel

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LOS ANGELES – Jessica Simpson read the news today, oh boy, and now the singer-actress wants to adopt a pillow angel. Ms. Simpson had been interested in adopting a child formerly, but after scoring poorly on a questionnaire sent to her by an adoption agency in Tijuana, Mexico, she became dispirited. Recently, however, Ms. Simpson has been Read More

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Says Appendix Donor “Saved My Life”

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LOS ANGELES – Actress Lindsay Lohan said she owes “a debit of gratitude” to the organ donor whose appendix “saved my life.” The twenty-year-old singer-actress was admitted to Century Park Hospital on Thursday after medical tests performed the previous day had indicated she was suffering from appendicitis. “I decided to have my appendix replaced before Read More

Music

Britney Spears Has Klaus Harmony on Her iPod

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LOS ANGELES – If Britney Spears’ finds her way back to the top of the pop music heap, she can thank Klaus Harmony, a German musician, for giving her a leg up. Known as the Mozart of Porn, Mr. Harmony was a pop star and celebrated composer of scores for erotic films who died mysteriously Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Gives Free Tattoos to Refugees for Christmas

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COSTA RICA – Crusading artistes Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt swooped into Costa Rica on Christmas day to visit the People’s Tattoo Clinic, which the do-gooding couple is quietly helping to finance. The swellegant Ms. Jolie, easily the UN’s hottest goodwill ambassador (no offense to Nicole Kidman intended), caused quite the stir at the Christmas Read More

Religion

Sylvester Stallone Says God Wrote Rocky

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LOS ANGELES – Rocky Balboa climbing off the canvas. Jesus Christ climbing out of the tomb. Mere similarities with no causal connection? Not according to Sylvester Stallone, who told Christian leaders in a conference call yesterday that the six movies in the Rocky series are “the inspired word of God.” “Rocky is Jesus, fighting the devil, who Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Vows to Return Worst Dog Owner Award

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MALIBU – An agitated Britney Spears told reporters she had not “dramatized” her dogs by having sex in front of them, and she “did-dint” deserve to be voted World’s Worst Celebrity Dog Owner of 2006. What’s more, she vowed, “when that doggone thing arrives, I’m sending it back.” The embattled one-time singer, who banished her Read More

Pug Bus Pop Quiz

Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes, Keith Richards Birthday Quiz

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes, and Keith Richards might seem to be strange birthday bedfellows at first, but as our exclusive quiz reveals, they just might have more in common than the same birthday. Then again, they might not; or perhaps most people just don’t give a shit. Whatever. 1. Both are Read More

Sporting Life

Duke Offers Alleged Rape Victim’s Baby Legacy Status

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DURHAM, N.C. – Duke University has reached out to a twenty-eight-year-old student-stripper known as Precious, who claims she was verbally abused while being raped and sodomized by three members of Duke’s lacrosse team at a party last March. University president Richard H. Brodhead issued a statement yesterday, “with the full faith and backing of the Read More

Celebrities

Ben Affleck Quits Acting to Save Daughter

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LOS ANGELES – Ben Affleck has vowed to give up acting for the sake of his one-year-old daughter, Violet. The star of Hollywoodland made the decision despite having been nominated for his first Golden Globe award, because “she’s going to have my last name and I don’t want her to mutter it over a drink. I want Read More

Celebrities

Nicole Richie Arrest Sparks Recall of Mercedes-Benz Series

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LOS ANGELES – The Nicole Richie model SUV has been recalled by Mercedes-Benz, a company spokesman confirmed this morning. The recall, which includes the lightweight NR99 and the ultra-light weight NR85, follows close on the heels of Ms. Richie’s DUI arrest earlier this week. “We are sorry for any inconvenience this recall may occasion for Read More

Celebrities

Wesley Snipes Launches Tax Advice Website

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OCALA, Fla. – Wesley Snipes talked briefly with reporters yesterday after leaving the courthouse where he had just pleaded not guilty to eight counts of federal income tax fraud. The star of Jungle Fever and other films said that he was so certain of prevailing “in the face of these racially motivated charges” that he was launching Read More