Book of Daze: Did You Forget to Lock the Front Door Day?

You begin to wonder did you forget to lock the front door the second you are too far away to turn back. This observance is not marked by the rotation of the earth or the phases of the moon, but by the sudden, icy grip of uncertainty that clutches the heart of a commuter who has just merged onto the interstate. It is the holiest day in the calendar of the anxious. It is the celebration of the memory gap. It is the festival of the phantom intruder.

How to Celebrate Did You Forget to Lock the Front Door

You leave your residence in a rush, perhaps carrying too many bags or shouting at a slow-moving cat. You lock the door physically, but ensure that your brain records zero footage of the event. It must be a blur. A void.

After you have traveled exactly too far, the festivities begin. You gasp. You grip the steering wheel until your knuckles turn the color of unbaked dough. You ask yourself, “Did I  turn the key, or did I just think about turning the key?”

The Ritual of Visualization

Do not turn around. Returning to check the door disqualifies you from the holiday. Instead, spend the next eight to ten hours sitting at your desk or standing in line at the grocery store while hallucinating vivid scenarios of what is happening in your unlocked house.

Visualizing a burglar is too pedestrian for this high holy day. Imagine that a family of badgers has moved into the kitchen and is currently preparing a complex risotto.

Picture a strong wind blowing the door wide open, inviting local teenagers to use your living room as a rehearsal space for their altternative circus.

Convince yourself that your insurance policy specifically excludes “negligence caused by forgetting how keys work.”

The Closing Ceremony

This holiday concludes when you return home in a panic, sprinting from the car to the house, only to discover that the door is locked tight as a bank vault. You stand there, keys in hand, and accept that your mind is a traitor that feeds on your suffering. You unlock the door, enter your home, and immediately begin worrying that you left the stove on.

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