Britney Spears Explains Why She Shaved Her Head

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MALIBU – Britney Spears is hell bent on becoming the Caucasian answer to Mike Tyson. Just as Iron Mike took a sledge hammer to his boxing career, reducing himself from puncher to punch line, Ms. Spears seems intent on shitting the bed at every turn.

Most recently the mercurial Ms. Spears cut out of Eric Clapton’s Tears in Heaven rehab center in Antigua right after homeroom and flew commercial class, commercial class, mind you, to L.A. There she turned up as a walk-in, a walk-in?, at a beauty salon in a shabby part of town. She emerged from the shop looking like a Make-a-Wish kid wondering if the limousine bringing Christina Aguilera for a visit was going to be on time.

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Ms. Spears then lurched her way to a tattoo parlor, where she frightened the natives with her ranting and generally spaced out behavior. Not since Mariah Carey’s epic meltdown in the mall had a pop star of this magnitude played Boo-Boo the Fool so convincingly in public.

Long story short, if somebody doesn’t drag Britney Spears to the nut house and hook her up to some jumper cables soon, look for her to bite somebody’s ear off next.

And now, in a note Ms. Spears wrote with her own feces, are the reasons why she shaved her head:

“It was getting jealous of my shaved pussy. Besides, I wanted to show that Kevin Federline how over him I am, and I read somewhere, I think it was on the plane, where it’s easier to spot head lice if you don’t have any hair.

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“Them damn hair extensions cost a fortune to replace every time I puke in them, which seems to happen to me alot these days. Yeah, and I had to do it anyway cuz I came in last in a drinking contest with Tara Reid.

“Hey, did I mention I wanted to show that Paris Hilton how over her I am?

“Anyway, I was reading about Buddhism somewhere, I think it was on the plane; and I think it would be, like, really spiritual to look like the Dolly Lama.

“Don’t you think it’s way more classy to sell your hair than to sell your blood? And you know what? My hair was making my ass look big anyway.”    

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