Carnivore Consortium Exposes Threat of Accidentally Vegan Foods

At a press conference held in a steakhouse in Omaha, the Carnivore Consortium unveiled a list of what it calls “accidentally vegan foods,” products never intended to appeal to vegans but which nevertheless contain no meat, dairy, eggs, or other animal-derived ingredients.

“We have been infiltrated,” declared Consortium President Hank Driscoll, 58, a competitive brisket judge who once mailed a complaint to a salad bar. “People think they’re eating normally, then discover they’ve consumed three accidentally vegan foods before lunch.”

The organization’s report fingers several offenders, including Oreos, Kettle potato chips, Cracker Jack, Sour Patch Kids, and numerous breakfast cereals.

Many carnivores expressed shock. “I’ve been eating some of  these things for years,” said Trevor Madsen, 44, assistant manager of a truck-accessory outlet and owner of seventeen barbecue aprons. “Nobody told me they qualified as vegan. If I’d known, I would have at least wrapped them in bacon.”

The Consortium has launched a public awareness campaign designed to help consumers identify suspect foods before purchasing them.

Warning labels proposed by the organization include:

Contains no animals whatsoever.

May have been consumed by vegans.

Suitable for people who voluntarily eat kale.

Members are also encouraged to report newly discovered cases through the group’s confidential hotline 1-800-EAT-MEAT.

Recent submissions include licorice, toaster pastries, microwave popcorn, fruit pies, and several energy drinks whose ingredients remain largely theoretical.

Researchers estimate that thousands of Americans unknowingly consume accidentally vegan products every day. The news has prompted widespread pantry inspections.

“I found six vegan items in my kitchen,” reported Denise Wheeler, 63, a retired social studies teacher whose hobbies include competitive chili judging and distrusting oat milk. “They were hiding in plain sight among the normal junk food.”

The Carnivore Consortium pledged to continue its investigation until every accidentally vegan food has been identified and properly disclosed.

Critics argue the campaign is unnecessary. Consortium officials counter that consumers deserve transparency. “If a food contains absolutely no animal products,” said Driscoll, “people have a right to know before they enthusiastically eat an entire family-sized bag.”

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