Horoscopes Archives - Page 5 of 24 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Sports car or pick-up truck?

Dale Droot, 58, regional grit consultant

Allegedly parked at 22 Gravel Onion Road, Muncie, IN

Pick-up truck. A sports car says you have unresolved feelings about your hairline. A pick-up says you might help someone move, then mention it for twelve years.

Tessa Clune, 46, fragrance accountability officer

Allegedly reversing carefully at 7 Lilac Spur, Reno, NV

Sports car. I respect a vehicle that announces bad judgment before the driver even opens his mouth. A pick-up truck always looks like it is late to supervise gravel.

Marlene Bix, 69, retired driveway theorist

Allegedly idling at 301 Bent Hydrangea Lane, Utica, NY

Pick-up truck for life, sports car for lunch. One moves mulch, furniture, and shame. The other moves a divorced orthodontist toward a leather jacket he cannot justify.

Muscular pug wearing a wrestling singlet and a gold medal stands on a podium in a chaotic, dilapidated Olympic stadium with the title "Rawdogging Olympics: Horoscopes for the Unprepared." The pug holds a javelin made from a dead tree branch draped with dirty socks. Surrounding the track are disheveled judges and spectators looking confused, with scattered debris including a large rubber duck, pizza boxes, crumpled paperwork, and magnifying glasses.

No training. No rules. Just the absolute chaos of the Rawdogging Olympics.

Horoscopes

🏋️ Rawdogging Olympics: Horoscopes for the Unprepared

philmaggitti horoscopes 5 months

The stars have gathered in a defensive crouch. They whisper that Preparation Day arrives like a government audit crossed with an existential exit interview. You… Read More

Dire delivery.

Horoscopes

Today’s 911 Horoscopes: The Algorithmic Calamity

philmaggitti horoscopes 6 months

The cosmic outlook is not good. Indeed, in today’s 911 horoscopes the planetary alignments suggest a pervasive sense of digital dread and a spike in… Read More

Stop chasing your tail. Your horoscope is just as useless as the rest.

Horoscopes

🐕 Dog Horoscopes: The View from the Kennel

philmaggitti horoscopes 6 months

Having exhausted the meager predictive capabilities of birds, we descend today to the slobbery realm of canines. They provide a forecast just as scornful of… Read More

A highly detailed, satirical illustration in the style of a vintage zodiac chart, framed in ornate blue and gold border. The title, "Bird-Brained Horoscopes: Predictions from Your Fine Feathered Friends," is at the top.

Finally, a horoscope that tells you exactly how disappointing you are.

Horoscopes

Bird-Brained Horoscopes: Predictions from Your Fine Feathered Friends

philmaggitti horoscopes 6 months

Finally, a horoscope that tells you exactly how disappointing you are. A forecast that’s utterly useless yet dressed in the flimsy pretense of cosmic wisdom—a… Read More

Angry sun face glaring against a pale sky, symbolizing the chaos and taboo behind the seven words you can’t say in a horoscope.

Read carefully. The stars are done being polite.

Horoscopes

Seven Words You Can’t Say in a Horoscope

philmaggitti horoscopes 6 months

Astrology is governed by many rules. Most are imaginary. Some are unwritten … by people who own blazers and say things like brand safety without… Read More

Zodiac movie reviews illustration, surrealistic image of a blue humanoid surrounded by several people in strange poses.

The movie of your life is a flop.

Horoscopes

🍿Zodiac Movie Reviews: Projections of Your Pathetic Life

philmaggitti horoscopes 6 months

Welcome to the Zodiac Movie Reviews, where we discard all pretense of critical neutrality and tell you exactly how the latest cinematic releases reflect your… Read More

If this is my destiny, I need a refund.

Horoscopes

Your Streaming Daily Horoscopes: When Algorithms Revolt

philmaggitti horoscopes 6 months

👽 Welcome, seeker, to Your Streaming Daily Horoscopes, located at the intersection of the celestial and the profoundly inconvenient. This is not the astrology of… Read More

Twelve surreal black zodiac icons on beige background, each symbolizing satirical zodiac predictions with dreamlike imagery.

Satirical zodiac predictions: twelve signs, twelve absurdities. Interpret at your own risk.

Horoscopes

🌑 Irregular Horoscopes: Satirical Zodiac Predictions

philmaggitti horoscopes 6 months

Satirical zodiac predictions: twelve signs, twelve absurdities. Interpret at your own risk. Aries … The moon is hiding inside a vending machine. You will purchase… Read More

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly disguised as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval.

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.