News Archives - Page 22 of 27 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

News

Rudy Giuliani Prostate Exam Reveals President Bush’s Image

Biff Scuzzy 19 years

CRAWFORD, Texas – A medical image taken with the latest Ham-corder technology revealed an imprint of President George W. Bush’s face on former New York… Read More

News

Mark Foley Enters Alcoholism Rehab; Gambling Rehab Next

philmaggitti news, rehab 20 years

LAPLAND, Fla. – Mark Foley (R-FL) quietly slipped into a rehab facility for alcoholism treatment last weekend. In a statement read by his attorney, Mr.… Read More

News

New Sex Drug Stops Premature Ejaculation in Its Tracks

philmaggitti 20 years

ST. PAUL, Minn. – A report in the British medical journal The Lancet contains good news for men who suffer from the thrill of sexual excitement but… Read More

News

Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Rumors Flood Internet

Biff Scuzzy Paris Hilton 20 years

CAIRNS, Australia – The recent death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin has occasioned a flood of rumors the likes of which have not been seen… Read More

News

Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter Death Tops Stingray News

philmaggitti 20 years

The death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin has left the stingray world scrambling to effect damage control. Mr. Irwin, 44, died today after being stung… Read More

News

Ford Plans to Recall 24,000 SUV Drivers

philmaggitti 20 years

DETROIT – Concerned about the increasing rate of “irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior” exhibited by SUV drivers, not to mention escalating gasoline prices, Ford announced… Read More

News

JonBenet Ramsey Suspect Confesses to Natalee Holloway Murder

philmaggitti 20 years

BANGKOK – John Mark Karr, who rocketed from shadowy insignificance to worldwide infamy on Wednesday by confessing to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, has now… Read More

News

Suspect in JonBenet Ramsey Murder Case Says It Was Suicide

philmaggitti 20 years

BANGKOK – John Mark Karr, who was arrested in Bangkok yesterday for questioning about the murder of six-year-old American beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, told police… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.