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Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

President Trump being escorted on stage by Kid Rock and the Hulk

"The one in the green is not Rosie O'Donnell."

News

President Trump Wants Celebrity Walk-Out Crews

philmaggitti Morgan Wallen, trump 10 months

In a bold, theatrical pivot designed to inject fresh celebrity sparkle into his public appearances, President Donald J. Trump has announced that he will now… Read More

image of a large setting sun with the letter P superimposed

"It’s a nice place to live, if you’re an orange"

News

Introducing the People’s Republic of Pacificastan

philmaggitti 11 months

After years of veiled threats, California has finally packed its bags and stormed out of the Union, citing “fundamental incompatibility” with states that still think… Read More

"More black people are killing by falling apples each year than white people are."

News

BLM Activist Declares Gravity Is Racist

philmaggitti 2 years

BLM activist Jaleel X. Johnson-kendi, claims that gravity is a “white, heteronormative, non-cis-gender-affirming construct that disproportionally affects black people, especially young black men who don’t… Read More

dog wearing glassas and a necktie siting at a laptop

News

Eleven Ways to Sniff Out Dogs Online

philmaggitti 50-Word Stories, dog 3 years

The First Principle of Electronic Communication was defined in a cartoon in the July 5, 1993, edition of the New Yorker. There are two dogs… Read More

Illustration for unbaptizing the dead article, a person about to dip a skeleton under water.

Trust me, this counts as closure.

News

Atheist Brotherhood to Begin Unbaptizing the Dead

philmaggitti 3 years

The Universal Brotherhood of the Confrontational Atheist (UBCA) will begin unbaptizing the dead next month, says the group’s founder, the Reverend Philip Feral. Believed to… Read More

an image of an aminata muscaria mushroom

News

Magic Mushroom Research Validates Sixties Stories

philmaggitti news 3 years

Researchers at Johns Hopkins University’s School of Medicine’s Internal Research Department have demonstrated that the sixties, a period of mythical renown in American culture, really… Read More

Yin and Yang image, one half is yellow with a red smiley dace, the other halfd is red with a yellow frown face.

"Never trust anyone who wants what you've got." (Eubie Blake)

News

Yin and Yang Seek Divorce, Citing Irreconcilable Differences

philmaggitti news 3 years

Brussels–Yin and Yang, one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split.… Read More

News

Consumer Reports Issues First Rating of Patron Saints

philmaggitti 4 years

YONKERS, N.Y.-–The June digital issue of Consumer Reports magazine will contain the venerable product tester’s first-ever rating of patron saints. The long-awaited rating is expected to save… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.