Sporting Life Archives - Page 11 of 11 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Sporting Life

Winter Olympics Will Eliminate Medals in 2010

philmaggitti 20 years

TORINO, Italy – In response to Olympic athletes’ proclaimed indifference to medals, an Olympic official told reporters following the women’s figure skating championship last night… Read More

Sporting Life

Wayne Gretzky and Janet Jones Handicap the Oscars

philmaggitti 20 years

PHOENIX, Ariz. – Phoenix Coyotes coach Wayne Gretzky and his actress wife, Janet Jones, won’t permit a little bad press regarding their gambling habits to… Read More

Sporting Life

Wayne Gretzky’s Wife Bet on Instant Replay

philmaggitti 20 years

TRENTON, N.J. – For Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Janet Jones, betting on a football game is “way tame, eh?” The part-time actress and full-time gambler not… Read More

Sporting Life

Michelle Wie Scores Moral Victory over Self

philmaggitti 20 years

HAWAII – Golfing sensation Michelle Wie, 16, added to her string of moral victories yesterday when she shot a sixty-eight in the second round of… Read More

Sporting Life

Terrell Owens Suspended by Monday Night Football

philmaggitti football, Paris Hilton 20 years

NEW YORK – Monday Night Football has suspended Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens indefinitely for conduct detrimental to its commercials. Owens, who appeared in… Read More

Sporting Life

Kobe Bryant Bobblehead Doll Accused of Rape

philmaggitti 21 years

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – West Chester police announced yesterday that they were seeking the newly minted Kobe Bryant bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with… Read More

Sporting Life

O.J. Simpson Vows to Find Real DirecTV Pirate

philmaggitti 21 years

EL SEGUNDO – After being ordered by a Florida judge to pay DirecTV $25,000 in damages, plus attorneys’ fees, for stealing the satellite platform’s signal,… Read More

Sporting Life

Michelle Wie Earns Another Moral Victory

philmaggitti 21 years

LEBANON, Ohio – Michelle Wie continued her march to golf immortality on Friday with a 5-4 loss to someone named Clay Ogden in the quarter… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.