Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Horoscopes

Cosmic Whiplash: Horoscopes for the Terminally Self-Aware

6 months philmaggitti
A baby curiously touching a man's face while he lies on grass.
“How do you expect me to move on when you’re the only one who truly absorbs me?”

♈ Aries
You wake up convinced your toaster is judging you. It is. It will exact vengeance via burnt bagels. Avoid eye contact with crossing guards. They know what you did last summer, and they never forget.

♉ Taurus
You will accidentally join a cult today. It is technically a book club, but the snacks are disturbingly ceremonial. Venus blesses your stubbornness: you will argue with a vending machine and win on appeal.

♊ Gemini
Your inbox becomes sentient and starts sending passive-aggressive emails. Mercury applauds. You will say “I’m fine” twenty times before lunch and mean it precisely zero times.

♋ Cancer
You feel deeply connected to a mop. The feeling is mutual. The moon urges you to cry in aisle 7–tears of joy, because the pickles are finally on sale and your loyalty card still works.

♌ Leo
You will be mistaken for a celebrity and will not correct anyone. The sun demands sunglasses indoors and third-person pronouns at brunch.

â™ Virgo
You will alphabetize your regrets, then refile them under “miscellaneous.” Saturn nods approvingly. You will fix a stranger’s spreadsheet in your sleep and invoice them in a dream.

♎ Libra
You will fall in love with a font. It is Helvetica. You will ghost Comic Sans without remorse. Venus insists you host a dinner party for your houseplants, who will RSVP “maybe.”

â™ Scorpio
You will uncover a conspiracy involving your neighbor’s garden gnome. Pluto whispers: trust no one with ceramic eyes. You will seduce someone using eyebrow choreography.

â™ Sagittarius
You will attempt to ride a shopping cart into destiny. Jupiter cheers. You will mispronounce “quinoa” with prophetic confidence and accidentally start a lifestyle movement.

♑ Capricorn
You will schedule a meeting with your inner child. It will be postponed due to existential bureaucracy. You will invent a productivity method called “crying efficiently” and sell the rights to LinkedIn.

â™’ Aquarius
You will start a podcast for pigeons. It will be critically acclaimed, mostly by pigeons. Uranus demands mismatched socks as a political statement and a reminder of your moral superiority.

♓ Pisces
You will dream of a fish giving you financial advice. It is sound. Neptune encourages you to speak only in riddles until someone bribes you with snacks.

For additional horoscopes from hell, clickhereif you dare.

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.