Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Horoscopes

Funny Horoscopes: The Zodiac Unplugged

7 months philmaggitti
A baby curiously touching a man's face while he lies on grass.
Weight not to exceed . . .

Funny Horoscopes: The Zodiac Unplugged is the mother of all comic satire.  Boundless helpings of absurd wit dished out family style with the good China and a hug.

🤣Aries You sprint toward greatness, trip over a traffic cone, and blame Mercury. Your charisma is magnetic. Your impulse control is a rumor. Wear shin guards.

🤷”♂ï¸Taurus You crave stability, but also free-range chaos. A scented candle solves nothing. Your stubbornness could outlast granite. Try flexibility. Or at least a bendy straw.

👽Gemini You say yes before the question finishes. Your inbox is a museum of half-begun revolutions. A stranger offers wisdom. You interrupt with a podcast pitch.

ðŸ–Cancer You feel everything, including the emotions of nearby houseplants. A friend confesses. You bake her a lasagna. Your shell is decorative. Your softness is weaponized.

☢ï¸Leo You enter rooms like a concept album. Someone compliments your aura. You correct them–it is a vibe. Your leadership style includes jazz hands and dramatic pauses.

🧺Virgo You alphabetize your regrets. Again. A spreadsheet comforts you. Someone misuses a semicolon, and you feel it in your spine. Your perfectionism is a performance art.

⛓ï¸Libra You weigh options until the scale breaks. Aesthetic harmony matters more than oxygen. You ghost a decision, then send it flowers. Your diplomacy includes interpretive dance.

🙊Scorpio You know secrets about people you have never met. A glance becomes a contract. You seduce a spreadsheet. Your intensity could power a small haunted village.

ðŸˆSagittarius You book a flight mid-sentence. Your optimism is caffeinated. A detour becomes a lifestyle. You give advice to a squirrel. It nods. You feel seen.

ðŸšCapricorn You build empires from expired coupons. Calendars fear you. Your ambition wears loafers. Someone doubts you. Send them a PowerPoint with citations and a theme song.

🧲Aquarius You invent a new handshake for every mood. A conspiracy theory asks you for notes. Your ideas are brilliant. Your follow-through is on sabbatical.

ðŸ”Pisces You dream in subtitles. A cloud winks at you. You write poetry on receipts. Someone asks for directions. You give them a metaphor and a hug.

For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.