Handshake Etiquette: Ten Types of Handshakes and When to Deploy Them

There was a time when a handshake was a simple affirmation: I greet you, I will not stab you with the other hand. Now with the codification of handshake etiquette, the handshake has evolved into a Rorschach test of power, anxiety, and unmet childhood needs. You should master these ten species of hand-to-hand combat before you next emerge from your hermit cave.

Handshake Etiquette in the Wild1. The Politician’s Clamp
Two hands engulf yours like a boa constrictor promising bipartisanship. Deploy only if you want to project warmth while pick-pocketing the other person’s trust.

2. The CEO Bone-Crusher
A grip so firm it feels like they are trying to ring a confession out of you. Handy at job interviews if you want to suggest that you will union-bust yourself.

3. The Moist Perspirator
Damp, clammy, apologetic. Usually deployed by the anxious or the freshly sprinted-from-the-parking-lot. Best used when you wish to sabotage your rival’s confidence before negotiations.

4. The Dead Fish
Listless, boneless, and way too limp. Deployed by those who believe enthusiasm is undignified–or by teenagers forced to greet relatives.

5. The Bro Shake
A complicated sequence of grips, snaps, and shoulder bumps that could defuse a bomb if performed correctly. Deploy among trusted and rehearsed friends only or risk dislocating something.

6. The Fingertip Flutter
A half-hearted reach that engages only the last two knuckles. Popular at gallery openings, awkward at funerals.

7. The Alpha Twist
Handshake that subtly rotates your palm downward as if crowning you subordinate. Or trying to suggest that you are a catcher not a pitcher. Deploy sparingly–HR keeps notes.

8. The Germ-Aware Hover
A near-touch in which the hands never fully connect. Deploy during flu season or at comic-con booths featuring actors who visibly regret being there.

9. The Time-Traveler’s Hold
A handshake that lasts ten seconds too long, as if they are waiting for the DeLorean to arrive. Deploy when you wish to create permanent psychological discomfort.

10. The Escape Artist
A handshake that vanishes mid-grip as the other person withdraws to check their phone. Deploy only if you are running for office on a platform of insincerity.

The Grip Heard ‘Round the Room
Remember, the handshake you choose says more than your LinkedIn bio ever will. Choose wisely–and moisturize.

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