Horoscopes Reduced for Quick Sale, 09/18
♈ Aries
Your reduced for quick sale bargain plan today is about as useless as a wet paper bag in a hurricane. Still, you will strut as if you have just solved cold fusion with duct tape and a lighter. Do not be surprised when reality files a restraining order.
♉ Taurus
Comfort is your drug of choice, and today you will overdose on snacks, soft chairs, and questionable reruns. Others may call it laziness, but you call it spiritual grounding. Your spirit guide is shaped like a beanbag chair.
♊ Gemini
You will say yes to everything today, including three invitations, two arguments, and one pyramid scheme. By bedtime, you will be running on fumes and lies. On the bright side, you may accidentally invent speed dating for chaos.
♋ Cancer
The emotional tide will rise high enough to drown a lighthouse keeper. You will write a long text message full of sighs and ellipses, then delete it, then write it again, then delete it. That is your cardio for the day.
♌ Leo
Spotlight addiction kicks in when you start narrating your grocery shopping aloud. Yes, people are staring. No, it is not because they are impressed. Tone down the Broadway routine unless you want to trend on Nextdoor.
â™ Virgo
Your obsession with fixing other people’s mistakes today will turn you into an unpaid intern for the universe. Unfortunately, the universe does not validate parking. Expect exhaustion, a headache, and no thanks whatsoever.
♎ Libra
Balance, your holy grail, will once again elude you. You will end up negotiating with yourself about whether to skip dessert or double it. Spoiler: you will double it and then launch an internal committee to justify your decision.
â™ Scorpio
Every glare you send today will register on the Richter scale. If you want peace, do not engage. If you want drama, simply breathe in the direction of a coworker. Either way, destruction follows you like perfume.
â™ Sagittarius
Your sense of adventure will compel you to try a new shortcut, recipe, or dating profile. All will end in mild regret, possibly flames. You will call it a “learning experience,” but others will call it “insurance fraud.”
♑ Capricorn
The climb to success today feels less like a mountain and more like an escalator stuck halfway. You will keep pressing the button, but the escalator does not care. Consider walking, or better yet, faking a pulled muscle.
â™’ Aquarius
Your brain will generate seventeen radical ideas before breakfast. None of them will be useful, but at least you will be busy. Friends will nod politely while plotting your supervised internet restrictions.
♓ Pisces
Fantasy is your best friend today, and reality is your ex who keeps texting. You will drift into daydreams where you are understood, adored, and possibly worshipped. Then
you will trip over a curb.
For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.