Book of Daze Talk Like an Auctioneer Day
Book of Daze Talk Like an Auctioneer Day was born in the back room of a livestock barn in New Holland, Pennsylvania, when somebody decided that speaking at four hundred words per minute while sweating through a bolo tie deserved its own holiday. Tradition holds that the first Book of Daze Talk Like an Auctioneer Day began when a weary cattle auctioneer accidentally sold his boots, wife, and truck while running on too much Folgers and not enough oxygen.
How to Celebrate Book of Daze Talk Like an Auctioneer Day
As we honor the art of unintelligible babble with a side of panic, participants are encouraged to spend the entire day narrating everything in auctioneer patter: “Gotta get up in the morning, we got a coffee, coffee, coffee, do I hear a shower? Shower, shower, yes! Pants on once, twice, SOLD to the guy in the mirror!”
Meetings become a sport. Dinners become competitive. Wedding vows are performed so quickly that no one’s sure if they just got married or accidentally purchased a Kubota tractor.
Recommended Activities for Book of Daze Talk Like an Auctioneer Day
Read bedtime stories to your kids at 300 bpm. Watch them grow up with an unshakable sense of urgency. Try ordering an Arby’s roast beef at warp speed and watch the clerk cry. Attempt a therapy session in full auction cadence: “Got trauma trauma! Who’ll give me a repressed memory? I got one repressed memory going once going twice SOLD for another decade of dissociation!”
Symptoms and Side Effects Dizziness, dry mouth, and the urge to throw your own hand up just to feel included. By the end of the day you may find yourself involuntarily narrating your thoughts at auction speed, especially after three drinks.
Current Record Holder for Book of Daze Talk Like an Auctioneer Day That would be “Gavel Throat Gary” from Las Vegas, who, in 2022, set the bar impossibly high by delivering the longest continuous auctioneer patter ever recorded: twelve hours and forty-three minutes without so much as a bathroom break. His marathon session included the accidental sale of three lawn chairs, a snowblower, and–most famously–his neighbor’s Prius, which was purchased sight unseen by a man from Elko.
For additionalBook of Dazeentries celebrating other subversive days that should not be allowed to exist.