Sunday, December 10, 2023

Olsen Twins Nutrition Horoscope

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Lucky you, sharing a birthday with the Olsen twins. What could be better? If you want your life to be more like the Olsens’—and who wouldn’t—you have two choices. You could declare your independence as Ashley did last year when she appeared on her first magazine cover without sister Mary-Kate, or if you don’t have any photo shoots scheduled right now, you can go the Mary-Kate route and lose so much weight your friends hold an intervention for you at KFC.

But wait, that would be so 2004. Why don’t you and your twin do what Mary-Kate and Ashley are doing this year—create a show about health and nutrition for young children. The show, called Sportee Kids, is aimed at four-to-
five-year-olds, who are roughly the same size, weight, and intelligence as the Olsens.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend’s friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don’t make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as Al Ninyo. Then let your imagination and your feet run wild.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your ZIP code and DNA code will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on a crowd of strangers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like the Olsen twins.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): The hairs on your arms become radio-sensitive after dark, and you begin to pick up the neighbors’ phone calls. You decide to have a little fun with this talent by hooking a direct-cable-access to your wrist and broadcasting those calls over the Internet. A constitutional crisis erupts when a reporter recognizes the president’s voice in an Olsen twins chat room.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): An unidentified friend nominates you for membership in DENSA, an honor society for people whose IQs are lower than the mean temperature in Belize on any given day. Your qualify for membership when you correctly identify the First Law of Thermodynamics as, “Thou shalt not cover thy neighborhood.” FYI, the DENSA song is sung to the tune of the Oscar Mayer wiener commercial.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23): In your quest for peace of mind, remember this: it feels a lot like Lyme disease that’s progressed to the brain. Does this mean you should stop wearing your headband to relieve the pressure? Good question. Fashion rules keep changing, but I certainly wouldn’t recommend wearing it on formal occasions unless you live south of the Equator or in Arkansas.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): When Pugnacious tossed the I Raisinettes, the two sectors on which the most pieces landed were “slams finger in refrigerator door” and “meets the person of his or her dreams.” Pugnacious would give you a clearer forecast, but before he could gather the I Raisinettes and toss them again, the dog had eaten them.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Your friends begin to suspect you’re an incubus when they notice you’re always the only person in photographs who has red eyes outdoors. Your chronic case of the flehmen reaction will do nothing to lessen their apprehension. Pray they never discover that one of the anagrams of incubus is cub in us.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): General Failure has been trying to read your hard drive again. This will cause Fatal Error to reset the gigabyte definition on your computer from the correct 1,073,741,824 bytes to 1,073.741824 bytes. Consequently, you will no longer be able to download nude photos from the Olsen twins website or the sermons from

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Your life is a closed book. One-size-fits-all clothing doesn’t come in your size. A psychic tries to read your palm, but you’re ticklish; she casts a spell on you because she thinks you’re laughing at her mustache. Soon everything you eat will taste like macadamia nuts, the first sign of Don Ho syndrome.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): This will be your Elvis week. The world is your hound dog for the next seven days. No longer will you travel at the speed of dark. Wealth, success, adulation, and a jive DEA badge are yours just for opening your mouth. Unfortunately, at the end of the week you will develop a craving for strange food and prescription drugs.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): No matter how embarrassed you are by keyboard plaque, do not attempt to remove it with lighter fluid. Applesauce is far more tasty and effective. Be sure to back up all your files and to close all applications before cleaning. Organic, free-range, chelated applesauce works best in northern climates. Little Debbie cream cakes work better in the South.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Pugnacious sees a tarot card reader in your future. One who foretells the present. She informs you that presently you are in Cancun, where you have been chosen grand marshall of the Olsen twins birthday parade. Since you can’t be in two places at once—only twins can do that—you won’t have to pay her.

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