. . . . . Only Jesus pardons more than Joe Biden . . . . . "The truth is hate to those who hate the truth." (Stormfront) . . . . . too many presenters on YouTube have faces made for radio . . . . . "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” (Eleanor Roosevelt) . . . . . a level playing field lifts no boats . . . . . the best arguments against reincarnation are first grade and first wives . . . . . familiarity breeds . . . . . whether you think you can or you can't, you're right . . . . . song stuck in local man's head wants out . . . . . the unexamined life is not worth examining . . . . . well begun is, well, begun . . . . . if it's statistically impossible, it's impossible . . . . . no one gives a shit about your pronouns . . . . . as one gets old, old times' sake is the only sake left . . . . . less is more only if more is out to lunch . . . . .
Celebrities

Britney Spears Tops Yahoo Buzz Again

LOS ANGELES – For the third time in four years, Britney Spears owns the most searched-for name on the Internet, according to Yahoo’s Buzz Index for 2005. Spears, who did not release an album of new material this year, proved that she is not a one-dimensional star and that talent is not a prerequisite for Read More

News

Dallas Teacher Accuses Santa Claus of Planting News Stories

DALLAS – A music teacher in a Dallas suburb told a class of six- and seven-year-old students that a favorable news story about Santa Claus in Our Weekly News, a popular elementary school news magazine, was a hoax. Marshall “Slim” Mathers, a teacher in Richland Elementary School, responded to a question about the story from one Read More

News

King Kong Protest Planned by PETA

VIRGINIA BEACH, Vir. – When King Kong opens at more than 3,500 theaters across the United States today, people attending many of those theaters will be greeted by protesters from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). According to a PETA press release, members of the radical animal rights group will be demonstrating against “the wonton Read More

Culture

King Kong Is Time Magazine’s Person of the Year

LAS VEGAS – A large number of suspicious wagers placed on Sportsbook.com have revealed that Time magazine’s editors have selected King Kong as the news weekly’s person of the year. Time‘s choice was made public after “suspicious betting activity” led the proprietors of Sportsbook.com, the online wager house, to shut down betting on who or what would Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Pitching Brokeback Mountain Prequel

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise, who reportedly turned down the role of Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain, is quietly angling to play Twist’s gay ranch cook in a prequel to Brokeback Mountain called Out Behind the Mountain. According to Hollywood insiders, Cruise turned down the role of Twist, which eventually went to Jake Gyllenhaal, because Cruise feared that his portrayal Read More

Celebrities

Nicole Richie Book Caused Split with Fiance

HOLLYWOOD – Nicole Richie’s book The Truth about Diamonds apparently contained too much “truth” about her fiance, Adam Goldstein, a professional club DJ who goes by the name DJ AM. According to friends of the couple, Goldstein, 32, was offended by Richie’s archly satirical portrayal of DJ PM, a professional club DJ, in Diamonds. “He seen too much Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Aniston Sued over Topless Photos

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Aniston is being sued by photographer Peter Brandt, who charges that Aniston “wantonly exposed her breasts” in her backyard, thereby interfering with his ability to earn a living. According to an attractive nuisance suit filed by Brandt’s attorney in Los Angeles, the incident occurred three weeks ago when Brandt, 53, was Read More

Religion

Jesus Christ Unhappy with Chronicles of Narnia Campaign

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN – The Lord God Jesus Christ is “sore displeased” with the Disney Corporation. Through a special arrangement with Google, Jesus issued via Gmail a simultaneous statement to 4,500 news sources around the world, disavowing “any craven attempt to profit from the unauthorized use of My image as the Lion of Judah.” “My Read More

CulturePolitics

President Bush to Withdraw Serial Comma

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A high-level source in the White House, speaking on condition of anonymity, has revealed that President Bush will announce in a major television address tomorrow night that he is withdrawing the serial comma from the Federal Elements of Style. Consequently, as of December 24, writers employed in any government office will not Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Aniston Mocks Pitt for Adopting Jolie’s Kids

PHOENIX, Ariz. – Brad Pitt has filed a legal petition in Los Angeles seeking to change the names of Angelina Jolie’s children to Zahara Brangelina and Maddox Brangelina. His decision was met with scorn from his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. The Friends star declared that Pitt was “too lazy and too [hen-pecked]” to find children to adopt on Read More

Celebrities

Kevin Federline Shops for Britney Spears’ Birthday

MALIBU – Britney Spears turns twenty-four on Friday, and her husband Kevin Federline has been scouring gas station minimarts for presents. Federline, who was recently voted Most Annoying Wigger of 2005 by the NAACP, is determined to quash rumors that he’s a shiftless gold digger. According to a source close to Federline, the dancer-turned-rapper shopped Read More

News

Does This Needle Make My Butt Look Big?

CHICAGO, Ill. – A study conducted by the American Medical Association (AMA) suggests that grossly overweight women are more likely to skip treatment for conditions that can normally be alleviated with antibiotics. The study, sponsored by WalMart Inc. and Lane Bryant, found that overweight women often skip appointments to receive posterior injections of antibiotics because Read More

Celebrities

Kimberly Stewart Dumps That Laguna Beach Guy

HOLLYWOOD – Celebrity daughter Kimberly Stewart has ended her eleven-day engagement to Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero. The announcement, which came just hours after Stewart had learned Torriero’s last name, stunned friends of the couple. “She told me she thought Talan’s last name was ‘Guy,’” said Stewart’s close friend Paris Hilton. “Everybody always calls him “that Laguna Beach guy” Read More