Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Paris Hilton Planning Car Wash Chain

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LOS ANGELES – Buoyed by the warp-speed acceleration of her provocative “baby, let me soap up your Bentley” commercial for Carl’s Jr burgers, pop icon Paris Hilton is expected to announce at a press conference today that she will open a chain of membership-only car washes throughout North America.

Hilton’s latest (ad)venture was inspired by the overwhelming popularity of the sixty-second Carl’s Jr clip, featured on the www.spicyparis.com website. In the clip Hilton lovingly soaps up a glistening black Bentley that appears to be moving even though it’s standing still.

Hilton’s novel approach to car washing—and her virtual black bathing suit—were so popular that the website developed a migraine and had to rest for four hours in its second day of operation because of the astonishing amount of traffic it received.

“I guess people really do believe that cleanliness is next to godliness where their cars are concerned,” said Hilton, “especially if cleanliness shows a little skin and strikes naughty poses.”

Sam Buttofuco, president of the Car Wash Association of America, believes the time is right for a “members only, high-end car wash operation with a classy, sexually orientated undertone aimed at the male consumer.” Buttofuco noted that most car washes are about as appealing as “your basic laundromat.” That is, they’re dank, dodgy, and not the sorts of places to inspire sexual fantasies, unless you’re a raging perv with an out-of-control spin cycle.

“Nevertheless people wait in line to pay $10 to get their vehicles cleaned because they have few other choices,” said Buttofuco.

Indeed, the only other public car wash, the kind run by local high school kids to raise enough money to rent a hotel for their after-prom party, sometimes gives commercial car washes a run for their money— especially if two or three bikini-clad high school girls wave “car wash” signs and jump up and down by the side of the road.

Hilton, who is somethihng of a family-values type at heart, considers it “shameful that innocent young women should sell themselves like that for $7.50. They ought to leave the pandering to professionals, and that’s where Paris Hilton’s Hot ‘n’ Steamy Wash ‘n’ Wax comes in.”

According to Hilton, her Hot ‘n’ Steamy Wash ‘n’ Wax operations will be located in upscale campuslike settings. Each facility will feature private “viewing rooms” where customers can relax with a complementary glass of wine as they watch their cars being serviced by a team of “female suds technicians” wearing strategically placed garlands of bubbles.

In areas where local obscenity laws do not extend to private clubs, Hot ‘n’ Steamy Wash ‘n’ Wax viewing rooms will offer closed-circuit broadcasts of Hilton’s infamous sex tape. Another membership benefit is the free autoerotic message a customer is entitled to after ten visits to a Hot ‘n’ Steamy Wash ‘n’ Wax.

Hilton boasts that no rough brushes or abrasive rags “that were once somebody’s smelly long johns” will touch her clients’ cars. Only the finest lamb’s wool applicators and Spanish velvet muffs will be used in the half-hour cleaning process that retails for $49.50.

In other news, Tom Cruise has been summoned to appear before the Scientology Sobriety Council to explain his bizarre behavior on the “Oprah” show earlier this week.

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