Friday, September 22, 2023

Britney Spears Launches Anti-war Protest

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MALIBU, Calif. – Pop icon Britney Spears has vowed to stop wearing a bra in public and to refrain from having sex with her husband Kevin Federline until President George W. Bush brings U.S. troops home from Iraq.

Spears told reporters outside a veterinarian’s office in Malibu earlier this week that she had gotten the idea for her protest after reading Aristophanes’ comedy Lysistrata in which the women of Athens protest the war between Athens and Sparta by refusing to wear bras or to have sex with their husbands.

Spears said she had chosen the trip to the veterinarian’s office to launch the no-bra portion of her campaign “because this is the kind of place where most women wear bras.” She declined to say when the no-sex portion of the program will be initiated.

“That’s for me to know and for Kevin to find out,” she giggled, tugging demurely at her top.

The response to Spears’ protest cleaved evenly along gender and party lines. Vice president Cheney accused Spears of engaging in “a despicable and unpatriotic publicity stunt.”

“Judging by the way her husband’s been going to clubs without her,” said Cheney, “she was probably going to stop sleeping with him anyway.”

Meanwhile, President Bush joked to South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun and a select group of reporters that “this sort of protest is nothing new.”

“Hell,” said the president, “Laura must be opposed to the war because she ain’t slept with me in months. I just wish she’d get with the other part of the program.”

Predictably, the reaction among the members of Hollywood’s celebrity set was more positive.

“I decided to pose topless for the cover of GQ as an act of solidarity with the no-bra part of Britney’s campaign,” said Jennifer Aniston. “As for the other part, it’s been so long since I’ve slept with anyone that I’m ready to declare my body a no-fly zone.”

Other celebrities, while agreeing with the spirit of Spears’ campaign, were puzzled about the letter of the law.

“Like I get the no-bra part,” said Lindsay Lohan, “but, duh, I don’t have a husband to stop sleeping with. Should I, like, stop sleeping with all my boyfriends or with just one?

Next Oprah: The Hooters for Peace Campaign    

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