Penn State Cuts 47 Degree Programs, Few Students Affected

When Penn State cuts 47 degree programs during the next academic year,  fewer than 100 students will be affected, according to university officials, who arrived at that figure by subtracting students who no longer attend classes, students who have not declared a major, and students whose parents have insisted they get a job.

Officials insist the cuts are necessary to eliminate underperforming programs, reduce administrative costs, and ensure that students receive a world-class education in subjects the university can still afford to teach.

Students enrolled in the discontinued programs will be offered individualized plans allowing them to complete their degrees, including remote access to required courses, academic advising, and alternative campus arrangements where necessary. University officials emphasized that no student would be abandoned simply because the university could not turn a profit by teaching his or her major.

Among the ten most popular degree casualties are:

Applied Procrastination: Discontinued after faculty advisors had failed to submit the required paperwork for seven consecutive semesters.

Advanced Parking Lot Navigation: Graduates were required to locate an available campus parking space in fewer than forty minutes.

Interdisciplinary Studies in Pretending to Read: Eliminated after administrators discovered the program was indistinguishable from several surviving humanities courses.

Contemporary Parental Financial Dependency: Students may opt to continue mastering the subject independently.

Unnecessary Group Projects: Canceled after a five-member faculty committee spent eleven months working on a recommendation that one person could have completed in an afternoon.

Theoretical Beer Pong: Lost accreditation when its laboratory equipment disappeared during Homecoming.

Applied Football Fanaticism: Administrators determined that the subject was already adequately covered by every other department.

Professional Email Avoidance: Faculty ignored seventeen consecutive notifications concerning the program’s future.

Postgraduate Studies in Moving Back Home: Eliminated after researchers concluded that graduates required no formal preparation to reoccupy their childhood bedrooms.

Advanced Tuition Justification: Students spent four years learning to explain why their degrees cost $140,000. Still none could pass the final examination.

The degree-kiling announcement drew complaints from several students, including Trevor Pilsner, 24, a sixth-year junior majoring in Applied Procrastination. “I was planning to graduate in 2029, possibly 2030,” Pilsner said. “Now everybody expects me to make some kind of decision.”

Madison Kelleher, 21, a senior in Contemporary Parental Financial Dependency, called the decision financially devastating. “My parents have already spent $112,000 preparing me to ask them for money,” she said. “Now I am supposed to finish learning that on my own?”

Brandon Felcher, 22, a Theoretical Beer Pong major, questioned whether the university understood the consequences of eliminating his field. “We were doing important research,” Felcher said. “Some of those cups had been sitting there since September.”

University spokesman Richard Bellweather, 56, a former management consultant who holds three degrees in organizational restructuring, defended the decision. “We remain committed to preparing students for rewarding careers in a rapidly changing economy,” Bellweather said. “We simply cannot continue offering degrees that lead nowhere.”

The university confirmed that its undergraduate program in Student Debt would remain mandatory.

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