Monday, May 20, 2024

Reverse Engineering Your Horoscope

The notion that you share character traits with other people with whom you share a sign is a crock of shit. The people who are getting off the bus the same day you are getting on wield a much greater influence on your development. So, if today is your birthday, you were born on the same day that Oscar Wilde, Evel Knievel, Tiny Tim, and a boatload of other stiffs croaked. Read their obituaries carefully. You’ll learn a lot more than you will from reading stupid predictions like these.

Virgo (8/23-9/22): You design a new indoor rodeo event that involves a left-handed oven mitt with the tips of the fingers cut off, a giant-economy-size tube of K-Y Jelly, and the cooperation of a clown named Sidesaddle. Your bold introduction of this event at the Optimist Club’s annual “Christmas Cheers for the Children” party is a brilliant stroke of counterprogramming, but charges filed against Sidesaddle following that appearance may ultimately prove embarrassing.

Libra (9/23-10/23): Paper is the ruling element in your celestial scrapbook, but this emergence leads to several questions: Will you achieve fame as a paperback writer, or will you merely suffer the slings and harrows of a thousand paper cuts? Good questions, but why the hell are you asking me? I’m not an astrologer; I only play one on the internet.

Scorpio (10/24-11/21): Life deals you a painful wedgie when you receive an invitation to the nuptials of someone close to you who is getting remarried—your current spouse. Toward the end of a lonesome, execrable month your prayers are finally answered. Unfortunately the answer is a flat out No!, and it arrives with the notation “dictated but not read” beneath what obviously is a hand-stamped facsimile of God’s signature.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): The dual-action hair-growth-facilitator-and-mood-enhancer currently on sale at provides a whimsical subtext to your ongoing cosmic narrative. The cheerful simplicity of this’s motto—”No doctors, no questions, no waiting”—appeals to your propensity for self-medication. We suggest, however, that you read the instructions carefully or you might wind up bearing a devastating resemblance to Bill Cosby.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19): Like most Capricorns you exhibit all the elan of a penguin. You prefer solitaire to bridge, pigeons to peacocks, Lawrence Welk to the Village People. You’re so boring you have to hire a designated drinker to enliven your parties. We suggest you have a lot of kids. They’ll give you something to talk about.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18): Your children and your significant other begin a board-game version of Survivor that turns grim when they try to barbecue the hamster and fillet the goldfish. After a month of increasingly hostile competition, your family votes to expel you from “their” house. When you tell them “it’s only a game,” they burn all your clothes and cut the telephone wires.

Pisces (2/19-3/20): Distressed by your growing inability to remember appointments, colleagues’ names, the words to “American Pie,” and where you put the car keys, you purchase the Larry King Ginko Biloba Memory Kit. Your friends, who had begun calling you “sieve for brains,” are impressed with your new-found ability to recall the tiniest details of Mr. King’s life.

Aries (3/21-4/19): Complications arising from a severe case of food poisoning destroy your ability to speak in the past tense. Your affliction seems charming and benign until a man in a pizzeria hears you say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.” This causes him to mistake you for Vinnie Stugotz, a mob informant in the witness protection program. We leave town fast if we are you.

Taurus (4/20-5/20): Troubled by your lack of formal education, you enroll in Degrees for Dollars, a virtual university that awards degrees based on a student’s life experiences. After reviewing your application and waiting for your check to clear, the dean’s council votes to grant you a Bachelor of Arts in Compromising Positions, providing you allow them to keep the pictures.

an image

Gemini (5/21-6/21): Your suit against the Fowl Weather Friend Corporation over a malfunctioning pop-up thermometer on an oven-roaster chicken finally comes to trial. The proceedings are compromised, however, when a copy of “Jury Selection for Dummies” falls from your lawyer’s briefcase as he’s making his way into the courtroom. Later in the trial O.J. Simpson appears as a witness for the defense.

Cancer (6/22-7/22): Because nothing succeeds like finesse, you needn’t let your inability to relate to other human beings or your flippant disregard for their feelings stand in the way of professional advancement. Indeed, these traits are virtually prerequisites for success in any quarter of the service economy and in many divisions of the healing arts and the legal profession as well.

Leo (7/23-8/22): A natty-looking stranger stops you on the street and asks you if you want to buy a vowel. Have him pronounce the vowel first to make sure it isn’t a knockoff, which will make any word it’s used in unintelligible. Beware, too, the “sometimes” vowels, whose limited applications don’t justify their price.

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.

Verified by MonsterInsights