horoscopes

Although celestial bodies are like gigantic, garden variety vegetables floating in the dark broth of the universe, astrologers insist on linking our fates to lions,… Read More

Today’s Fake Medical Horoscopes cheerfully remind you that no insurance is accepted, no advice is guaranteed, and your hopes will never go up. Life is… Read More

According to sometimes reliable industry sources, every life is now part of a long-running experiment in television horoscopes, with each personality pitched as a series… Read More

Welcome to the most reliable horoscopes on the internet. Madam Hilda’s predictions are guaranteed to land no more than one standard deviation on either side… Read More

The Stolen Land Zodiac is back to reclaim its forecasts. It is not impressed with what you have constructed in its absence. Sacred prophecies have… Read More

Before revealing today’s irregular predictions, a gentle warning: these horoscopes are based on characters that appear in classic literature, not on vibes, entrails, crystals, or… Read More

Solitaire horoscopes are for people whose ideal group activity is shuffling quietly and pretending it counts as socialization. Each sign receives guidance that assumes isolation… Read More

The stars are currently vibrating at a frequency that can only be described as a microwave oven attempting to compose a symphony. It is a… Read More