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Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

MD

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

RC

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

NV

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Cartoon of Ringo Starr at a microphone singing.

"We all live ..."

The Ten Worst Ringo Songs Ever

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Ringo. The chump who once drummed behind Lennon/McCartney and then spent the next fifty years proving that lightning not only doesn’t strike twice–it files a… Read More

A dog humping a person's leg.

"Does this mean you're happy to see me?"

The Ten Dog Breeds Most Likely to Hump a Leg

philmaggitti dog, top ten lists 8 months

When people say dogs are “man’s best friend,” what they really mean is “man’s most relentless public humilator.” Forget loyalty, forget companionship – these four-legged… Read More

a plate filled with a mass od food in a lot of different colors

"You gonna finish that?"

Fighting the Ten Most Common Side Effects of Neurochemical Meds

T.J. Eckleburg top ten lists 9 months

Drowsiness (The Couch Siren’s Song)Never leave home without a flask of enchanted coconut water blessed by a hydration shaman. Chew gum infused with the tears… Read More

a slab of roadkill on a grill

"Carrion by any other name ..."

The Top Ten List of Secret Menu Fast Food Items

philmaggitti top ten lists 9 months

(Ten secret menu items. Ten reasons your pancreas called the cops.) ✦Forget the laminated lies. The real menu lives in whispers, nods, and the sacred… Read More

"Believe in yourself, even when nobody else does."

Ten Other Things Named Kelce

philmaggitti dog, top ten lists 10 months

“Kelce” is among the top-trending dog names in the country–up 135% in a year–according to Rover, a Seattle-based matchmaker that connects pet owners with pet… Read More

“I have lived with several Zen masters—all of them cats.” (Eckhart Tolle)

Ten Reasons Cats Aren’t Mentioned in the Bible

philmaggitti top ten lists 3 years

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Two things are certain about the bible: animals were harmed during its production, and cats are not mentioned anywhere in it. If you care to,… Read More

A brown hand giving a thumbs down against a red starburst background.

Ten Things That Will Fall Now That Roe Has Fallen

philmaggitti top ten lists 4 years

The overthrow of Roe v. Wade, according to many in the chatterverse, signaled a trampling of all that’s good and holy that will make Sherman’s… Read More

O.J. Simpson Arrest Exclusive: Top Ten Reasons If He Did It

philmaggitti top ten lists 9 years

O.J. Simpson, claiming that he is “really innocent this time,” was booked Sunday evening on two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.