The Daily Irregular Horoscopes — July 2, 2025
The only stars we consult are washed-up former child actors.
Cancer (June 21–July 22) Someone will call you “emotionally intense.” That’s code for “please stop crying during staff meetings.” Consider switching to herbal tea or just embracing your role as HR’s recurring nightmare.
Leo (July 23–August 22) Today’s spotlight moment will involve a misunderstanding, a custard pie, and local news coverage. You’ll be viral, but not for anything you’ll want on your LinkedIn.
Virgo (August 23–September 22) Your obsession with perfection leads to a minor mental breakdown over mismatched fonts. A passing raccoon will offer surprisingly wise advice: “Let it go, Brenda.” Even if you’re not Brenda.
Libra (September 23–October 22) You’re seeking balance, so naturally you’ll eat half a pizza and meditate for three minutes. Good enough. Spiritual equilibrium achieved via carbs and vague chanting.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21) You will unearth a deep secret today—possibly yours, possibly someone else’s, possibly just your neighbor’s embarrassing playlist. Use this knowledge wisely. Or don’t. We know you won’t.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21) An ill-advised adventure awaits! It involves a llama, a speedboat, and a questionable tattoo. Just remember: when the adrenaline fades, the tattoo remains.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19) You’ll be laser-focused today. Unfortunately, it’ll be on the wrong goal, wrong person, and wrong spreadsheet. Triple-check everything. Then double-check the triple-check.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18) You have an idea today that is either revolutionary or completely illegal. Consult a lawyer, or at least a very jaded barista. They’ve seen things.
Pisces (February 19–March 20) You’ll feel like you’re drifting through the fog of existence. You are. It’s Tuesday. You’re a Pisces. Reality has once again failed to meet your expectations. Embrace the mist. Your lucky object today: A deflated beach ball filled with forgotten dreams and a little bit of sand.
Aries (March 21–April 19) You’re feeling confident today, Aries, possibly because you haven’t looked in a mirror for three days. Remember: confidence without competence is just loud optimism. Today, try silence.
Taurus (April 20–May 20) You will attempt to control everything around you today, including the weather and the office coffee machine. Neither will bend to your will. Expect thunderstorms and decaf.
Gemini (May 21–June 20) You will tell two people two different stories and then be shocked when they compare notes. Be less surprised. You’re a Gemini. This is literally your brand.
