The Grammar Grump Says, “You Don’t Know Your Butt from Irony”

Today, boys and girls, we are going to talk about irony and the shameful way that irony is molested in public by illiterate yobs too lazy to consult a dictionary and too proud to care.

We begin with some definitions and examples, which you damn well better memorize. Irony is the contrast between what is expected and what actually happens––often in a funny or absurd way. For example, if a fire station burns down, that is ironic because we expect firemen to stop fires, not to have their clubhouse go up in flames. Here are other examples: a jack wagon moron ranting about how no one reads anymore–on TikTok. Someone writing a heartfelt op-ed about misinformation that’s filled with typos and some factual errors.

A coincidence, on the other foot, occurs when two or more events happen at the same time by chance. They are surprising, often outrageously so, but not necessarily meaningful or humorous. For example, you run into a childhood friend in Paris, even though neither of you knew the other would be there. That’s surprising, but not ironic. So, too, is the following: “I ran into my dentist at Burning Man-–how ironic!”

No it is not, Chelsea. It is terrifying, and frankly, I have more questions about your dentist than your grasp of vocabulary

Sadly, irony has been reduced to a verbal ketchup stain befouling anything vaguely unexpected. “It’s ironic I got fired on my boss’s birthday!” No, Kevin, that is unfortunate. Also, stop crying in the break room fridge.

“But language evolves!” argue some nut balls who ought to know better. Yes, language evolves, and so do viruses. Evolution does not always produce improvements. It sometimes gives us flightless birds, deep-fried butter, and influencers who say ironical.

So here is your homework, boys and girls: if you cannot learn the difference between irony and coincidence, do not use either. Stick to words you can handle, like thingy or literally, a word you also misuse with the grace of a fainting goat on roller skates.

Class dismissed. Don’t forget your umbrellas.