Your Daily Irregular Horoscopes for July 7, 2025
🌀(Warped, wary, and weird, just the way the cosmos likes it.)
♈ Aries (March 21–April 19)
Today you will feel an inexplicable urge to alphabetize your regrets. Don’t. They’re much funnier when disorganized.
♉ Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Your stubborn streak leads you into a standoff with a balky vending machine that you are determined not to let beat you. Mars says you will prevail by hour four.
Your stubborn streak leads you into a standoff with a balky vending machine that you are determined not to let beat you. Mars says you will prevail by hour four.
♊ Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Today your habit of talking to yourself in public begins to attract attention. People stare. Offer to take questions and tell ’em you’re a podcast.
Today your habit of talking to yourself in public begins to attract attention. People stare. Offer to take questions and tell ’em you’re a podcast.
♋ Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Your soul’s alignment is “Low Battery,” and your spirit animal is a slightly drunk Roomba. Try not to reinvent yourself today unless you enjoy bureaucracy in the astral plane.
Your soul’s alignment is “Low Battery,” and your spirit animal is a slightly drunk Roomba. Try not to reinvent yourself today unless you enjoy bureaucracy in the astral plane.
♌ Leo (July 23–August 22)
You radiate confidence and possibly mild radiation. People are drawn to you. Then develop a genital rash.
You radiate confidence and possibly mild radiation. People are drawn to you. Then develop a genital rash.
♍ Virgo (August 23–September 22)
You organize your closet so well that you accidentally open a portal to a better reality. Don’t go. They don’t have coffee.
You organize your closet so well that you accidentally open a portal to a better reality. Don’t go. They don’t have coffee.
♎ Libra (September 23–October 22)
You seek balance, but end up juggling flaming emotional chainsaws. Surprisingly, it works.
You seek balance, but end up juggling flaming emotional chainsaws. Surprisingly, it works.
♏ Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Trust your instincts today—except the one that says “Text your ex.” That one’s from Satan.
Trust your instincts today—except the one that says “Text your ex.” That one’s from Satan.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
You’re filled with wanderlust, but also couch-lust. Settle for Google Street View and reheated pizza.
You’re filled with wanderlust, but also couch-lust. Settle for Google Street View and reheated pizza.
♑ Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Your dominant timeline was erased when you didn’t stop to pet that oddly charismatic raccoon in 2018. As a result, you are now a version of yourself who owns six spatulas, none of which you understand.
Your dominant timeline was erased when you didn’t stop to pet that oddly charismatic raccoon in 2018. As a result, you are now a version of yourself who owns six spatulas, none of which you understand.
♒ Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
You invent a new philosophy today involving magnets, guilt, and leftover hummus. Publish it.
You invent a new philosophy today involving magnets, guilt, and leftover hummus. Publish it.
♓ Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Dreams feel more real than usual. Unfortunately, they’re about IKEA and betrayal.
Dreams feel more real than usual. Unfortunately, they’re about IKEA and betrayal.
