Your Sporting Horoscopes for July 16, 2025
(A horoscope in which your destiny is ruled by the mood swings of a sports franchise. Welcome to the TeamSpirit Zodiac. Your fate now depends on your assigned team—not the stars.)
Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22): Chicago Cubs–You are loyal, nostalgic, and prone to melancholy. People keep reminding you of that one good year. Embrace your inner underdog by crying during a beer commercial today.
Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22): Los Angeles Lakers–You expect admiration, camera angles, and courtside applause. Life is a documentary and you’re the main character. Be bold today. Interrupt a Zoom call to announce your personal brand.
Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22): New England Patriots Strategic, coldly efficient, and quietly terrifying. You micromanage everything, including your dreams. You will achieve victory today by staring down a coworker until they spontaneously combust.
Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22): Manchester United–Elegant, image-obsessed, and in a constant state of financial rebranding. You crave balance but end up buying another winger instead. Expect a lot of passive-aggressive latte art today.
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21): Philadelphia Eagles–Fierce, emotional, and powered by irrational vengeance. You trust no one, love deeply, and punch walls recreationally. This week, channel your rage into artisanal sourdough.
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21): Harlem Globetrotters–You live for absurdity, travel, and showmanship. Rules are more like suggestions, and every crisis is a setup for a slam dunk. Flirt outrageously with your Uber driver today.
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19): San Antonio Spurs–Disciplined, unglamorous, and perennially underestimated. You quietly win while everyone else is on TikTok. Today make a spreadsheet of your enemies—rank them by likelihood of public collapse.
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18): Oakland A’s–You are unconventional, frugal, and about to be relocated. You build miracles with chewing gum and duct tape. Start a revolution this week by wearing mismatched socks in public.
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20): Cleveland Browns–Tragic, lovable, and perpetually rebuilding. You feel deeply, cry easily, and believe this might be your year. Spoiler: it’s not. Hug a stranger and apologize for everything.
Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19): Dallas Cowboys–Every season you begin with unearned confidence and an expensive hat. Your leadership is loud, occasionally effective, and almost always bewildering. Today yell at someone in traffic and call it “strategic misdirection.”
Taurus (Apr 20–May 20): New York Yankees–Tradition, pride, and a towering sense of self-worth define you. Also: pinstripes. You crave stability and rings—literal and metaphorical. You will sue someone for putting ketchup on a hot dog.
Gemini (May 21–Jun 20): Golden State Warriors–You’re dazzling, chaotic, and somehow always talking about your “legacy.” This week, shoot your shot in a text message, then ghost that person for three days to maintain drama.
