Zodiac Small Appliance Horoscopes
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you are always a few nachos short of a grande, open your mind to the voice of the small appliance horoscopes that rule your universe – especially if that appliance is hissing.
♉ Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) The constellation Amana passing through the House of Procter & Gamble designates the crock-pot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crock-pot signifies both the pleasure of meal-prepping for a family and the loneliness of dining over the sink while doom-scrolling. Heads you win; tails you eat alone with a podcast host for company.
♊ Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) Old answering machines have been gone the way of short back and sides; your world now revolves around the Alexa-enabled Always-Listening Smart Speaker. A significant buffer of cloud-stored voice notes guarantees you will never miss a friend’s overshare, a robocall scam, or your own drunken rant at 2 a.m.
♋ Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) Cancerians owe their beautiful skin to the Ring-Light HD Pimple-Vanishing Filter-Cam. Blind dates, Zoom job interviews, appearances on Judge Judy’s TikTok Court – with the filter-cam you can glow like a K-pop star. Pete Davidson swears by his. You will, too.
♌ Leo (7/23 – 8/22) Desk fans remain the Leo status prop, but the modern lion prefers the Dyson Air Multiplayer Mini. Whether your Leo body leans toward Harry Styles, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, or Lizzo, the bladeless fan keeps you cool while you wait for applause for microwaving soup.
â™ Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) Your ruling cosmic appliance – a Dual-Action Self-Cleaning Reading-Light & Fish-Scaler 2.0 – goes viral after being demonstrated on QVC Next by Cardi B during a fundraiser for the National Organization of Women. Expect a bidding war on eBay and a congressional hearing.
♎ Libra (9/23 – 10/23) The Charlie-Chan Electronic Chopsticks-cum-Knitting Needles have been updated to USB-Rechargeable Bento-Sticks with Built-in Fidget-Spinner. Instead of overdosing on greasy dumplings and dessert bao, you can knit one and purl two while waiting for your steamed selection from column A or your DoorDash driver stuck in traffic.
â™ Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21) The Mama Corleone Air-Freshener & Pasta Maker has been re-branded as the Sofia Vergara Signature PastaPod with Litter-Box Neutralizer. Now you can prepare dinner without worrying your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by the aroma of the cat’s sandbox as you try to seduce that powerful dinner guest.
â™ Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) Most blenders do not come with panic and campaign buttons, but yours is the Ninjaâ„¢ Panic-Blend 3000 with Recall-Election Mode. You will need the panic button when the school-board candidate you endorsed tweets “potaeto” during a livestream debate.
♑ Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) Be the envy of the zodiac with your Taylor Swift Solar-Powered Walking Stick & Streaming-Royalty Tracker. The Eras Tour edition doubles as a dowser that vibrates whenever Tay-Tay merch is within a hundred yards – say, in a Target end-cap or a stadium parking lot.
â™’ Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) Your quest for domestic harmony is ruled by the AI Home-Movie Editor by Jordan Peeleâ„¢. No need for cats to suck the breath out of babies anymore; now you can deep-fake the little crumb-snatchers out of family videos and replace them with adorable CGI dinosaurs.
♓ Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) Behind every successful Pisces there is still a steam iron, now a SteamPal Smart Iron with Bluetooth Wrinkle Analytics. Legend says George Clooney used a prototype to press his tux before the 2013 Oscars selfie moment. Unfortunately, there was no time for the rest of the A-listers in the photo to borrow Clooney’s iron.
♈ Aries (3/21 – 4/19) Your fastidiousness and passion for order remain governed by the Sterile-Matic Continuous-Clean Toaster Ultra-Plus. Unlike most people, whose crumb trays contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of road salt, your Sterile-Matic – and by extension, your life – is a gleaming monument to civility.
For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.
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