December 2016 – postcards from the pug bus

San Francisco to Host Young Trannies Beauty Pageant

philmaggitti 279 Views 2 min read

SAN FRANCISCO—On Valentine’s Day the Bay Area Gender Benders will host the first annual JonBenét Ramsey Young Trannies Beauty Pageant. Open to innocent children between the ages of four and eight, the Young Trannies pageant … Read on

News

Trump Praises Pug Bus for Official English Policy

Biff Scuzzy 248 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK—President-elect Donald Trump said yesterday that he wants to see English become the official language in all fifty states. Currently English is the official language in thirty-two states, which require that state government business … Read on

Culture Religion

Facebook Presents the Twelve Genders of Christmas

philmaggitti 300 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Facebook is a festering boil on the right butt cheek of humanity, largely because Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg is a sushi-loving Nancy boy who squats to pee. Not content with giving Fuck Bookers … Read on

News

Michael Moore Urges Simultaneous Toilet Flush on Inauguration Day

philmaggitti 243 Views 1 min read

FLINT, MI—In his ongoing quest to delegitimize Donald Trump’s presidency, Michael Moore is now urging Americans to flush their toilets en masse when Mr. Trump takes the oath of office on inauguration day.

“It’s our … Read on

The Grammar Prick

Trump Appoints Grammar Prick to New Cabinet Post

Biff Scuzzy 284 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President-elect Donald J. Trump has appointed the Grammar Prick to the newly created cabinet post of Secretary of Grammar and Usage, which will replace the moribund Department of Education. Mr. Prick is legendary for … Read on

News

Black Lives Matter Calls for Boycott of White Avatars

philmaggitti 240 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—D’Aryll Scott-Jones, HMFIC of Black Lives Matter, called for immediate boycotts yesterday of all websites “that allow white supremacists to hide behind blank, lily-white avatars in their comments sections.” Mr. Scott-Jones made his remarks … Read on

Innerviews

Barack Obama’s “Other” Half Is a White Nationalist

philmaggitti 282 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Barack Hussein Obama, America’s putative first black president, is a man who knows how to sell a contradiction; but just as no man is a hero to his valet, Barack Hussein is no … Read on

Culture

Alt-right Website Explains Difference Between Nazi and Roman Salutes

philmaggitti 258 Views 2 min read

Dear Friedrich,
I was on my way to a cell meeting the other day when I met a friend on the street who greeted me with a raised-arm salute. I wanted to return her greeting, … Read on

Horoscopes

Keith Richards Picks Donald Trump in Electoral College Vote

philmaggitti 274 Views 5 min read

NEW YORK—Rolling Stones poltergeist and guitarist Keith Richards, 73, celebrated his birthday today by announcing his support for Donald J. Trump when “those cats at the electoral college meet to elect a president tomorrow.” Mr. … Read on

Religion

God Says He Never Saw This Election Coming

philmaggitti 263 Views 2 min read

The Lord God Almighty—King of Kings, Giver of All Gifts, Father of All Fathers, and Keeper of the Most Holy Restroom Key—admitted today that he “never saw this election coming.” Speaking exclusively to Postcards from … Read on

Sporting Life

Gay Rights Group Slams Half-Time Engagement

Chip Hilton 260 Views 1 min read

CHICAGO—Born That Way, a militant, self-described “queer rights” group, condemned the recent engagement of two fellows named Michael and Jake at halftime of a Chicago Bulls home game. The stunt went down a treat with … Read on

Sporting Life

BLM Threatens to Disrupt Giants-Lions Game This Sunday

philmaggitti 323 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK—Black Lives Matter (BLM) has demanded that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning apologize to Dallas Cowboys black quarterback Dak Prescott for “disrespecting the brother” following the Giants 10-7 home victory over the Cowboys … Read on

News

Alt-right Satire Site Wants Photos of Naked Progressives

philmaggitti 276 Views 1 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Thirty-six years ago today my favorite progressive was murdered. John Winston Lennon was the kind of person who wasn’t afraid to take off his clothes and stand up for what he thought was … Read on

News

WikiLeaks Reveals Identity of Time’s Person of the Year

philmaggitti 258 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—Fresh off its revelation of the Democrats’ blueprint for attacking Jeff Sessions—Donald Trump’s choice for attorney general—WikiLeaks revealed this morning the identity of Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016: The White Half … Read on

Ass Hats

Huff Post Scribbler Get Asshat Award for Setting New Lows in Virtue Signaling

Biff Scuzzy 264 Views 2 min read

Huffington Post scribbler Cole Delbyck has got himself an ass hat for vowing never to watch Last Tango in Paris again. He put on his big-boy pants and proudly announced his … Read on

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