🔮 Your Very Unreliable Astrological Almanac 🤣

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your ruling planet, Mars, has declared a personal emergency, leading it to hide your car keys inside a very important document titled “Why I Am Always Right.” Your astonishing inner-fire will manifest today as an urge to argue with a pigeon about modern architecture. Do not be alarmed when the pigeon produces a portfolio; it is merely being a professional. Your lucky inanimate object is a damp washcloth.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

This week, the celestial spheres are urging you to re-evaluate your relationship with gravity. Is it truly serving you? You will receive a very surreal email, written entirely in the font Wingdings, detailing an extremely complicated inheritance involving three llamas and a decommissioned hot air balloon. Your usually grounded nature will be tested when you discover the llamas are better at filing taxes than you are. Refrain from buying any furniture shaped like a rhombus.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A powerful planetary transit suggests that your dual nature will manifest as one side of you wanting to finally write that novel and the other side wanting to nap inside a refrigerator. The stars insist you attempt both simultaneously. Prepare for a cheeky encounter where a seemingly random stranger asks if you are, in fact, an undercover librarian from the future. The answer is yes, obviously. Your lucky time is approximately 47 minutes past the hour.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The moon, your emotional overlord, is currently orbiting a carton of lukewarm vegetable broth. This explains why your feelings are so astonishingly complex and slightly salty today. You will find profound wisdom in a commercial for garage door openers. Your homebody tendencies will be challenged by an overwhelming need to purchase a very large inflatable swan and take it to the top of a mountain. Resist the urge to call your childhood imaginary friend; they are busy.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your cosmic assignment this week is to maintain your spectacular dignity while tripping over air. The universe is watching, and it is holding a stopwatch. A very witty, but ultimately useless, epiphany regarding the true origin of socks will strike you while you are waiting for a toaster. Do not sign any contracts with anyone wearing a cape, regardless of how magnificent their caping technique appears. Your power color is invisible beige.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

It is time to organize your thoughts, which, the cosmos informs us, currently resemble a very messy pile of shiny buttons and unpaid parking tickets. A surreal minor miracle will occur: you will actually find a pen when you need one. Your notoriously keen eye for detail will spot a typographical error on a very important, handwritten note from the future. Your cheeky challenge is to spend an entire afternoon doing nothing and feeling zero guilt. (The universe knows this is truly astonishing for you.)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your cosmic scale is tipped wildly today, not by justice, but by a very large, gilded zucchini. This signifies that you must choose between eating an olive and philosophizing about the perfect shade of gray. The stars demand you spend an hour attempting to achieve perfect balance by walking a tightrope made of licorice. Prepare for an astonishing revelation: you are actually very good at juggling municipal bylaws. Your cheeky warning is that you must never, ever wear mismatched shoes to an existential crisis.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Pluto, your intense ruler, is sulking inside an antique teapot. This explains your sudden, overwhelming urge to solve a centuries-old mystery involving a missing rubber duck and a cryptic message written in sourdough starter. Your witty charm will be undeniable, especially when delivering a very dramatic monologue about the proper temperature for consuming room-temperature tap water. Be prepared for a very surreal encounter where a houseplant reveals a secret to you. Do not tell anyone; this is between you and the Ficus.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The universe has declared that your quest for boundless knowledge must now focus entirely on the taxonomy of fluffy clouds. Your natural enthusiasm will be astonishingly contagious, leading a small group of squirrels to follow you, expecting a spirited lecture on the metaphysical properties of gravel. A cheeky opportunity for travel arises, though it is only to the back of your own pantry. Treat this journey with the reverence it deserves. Your lucky number is the square root of exactly how many times you have lost your reading glasses this week.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your normally disciplined approach to life will be temporarily derailed by a sudden, intense desire to invest heavily in a very ambitious scheme involving miniature golf on the moon. This is a sign from Saturn that you need to lighten up, you magnificent workaholic. A genuinely very funny bureaucratic mix-up will lead to you receiving a professional title that is entirely unpronounceable and involves the word “Flugelhorn.” Embrace the absurdity. Remember, your career is important, but so is knowing precisely which brand of glitter attracts the most attention from extraterrestrials.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Uranus, the planet of radical change, has decided to update its operating system, and you are feeling the glitches. Expect your most innovative ideas to be astonishingly impractical, such as designing a bicycle powered entirely by passive aggressive sighs. Your surreal social circle is expanding; you will receive a friend request from a very philosophical turnip. Use your trademark detachment to politely decline any invitations to join a secret society dedicated to perfecting the art of walking backward.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Neptune, your dreamy planet, has officially confused reality with a moderately complicated children’s cartoon from the 1990s. Your intuition is therefore powerfully skewed toward predicting which cartoon villain will next get a promotion. Your emotional depths are currently hosting a very dramatic interpretive dance performance featuring a sardine and a very small cello. The most astonishing event of the week will be you correctly guessing the flavor of a generic store-brand cracker. Your cheeky reward is a short, intense period where you are completely immune to spoilers.

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