August 2005 – postcards from the pug bus

Bush Grants Emergency Sick Days to Hurricane Victims

Biff Scuzzy 436 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Shortly after arriving in Washington today, President Bush is expected to sign a presidential order intended to alleviate the suffering of hurricane victims in the battered Gulf Coast region. Standing in front of the Western White House in Crawford, Texas, in a yellow slicker and rain hat yesterday afternoon, the president announced Read More

News

John Roberts’ Advice on Briefs v. Boxers Quotas

philmaggitti 438 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON – Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts Jr. advised Attorney General William French Smith in 1982 that “it is a comfortable fit, philosophically” to seek legislation barring the use of quotas to remedy inequities in the use of briefs or boxers in the military. According to newly disclosed archival documents, Roberts sent a memo Read More

Celebrities

Michael Jackson Candy Bar Fails to Attract

philmaggitti 495 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Michael Jackson’s birthday celebration in Dubai was dampened by the anouncement that Godiva Chocolatier is close to halting distribution of Candy, Little Boy?, the commemorative candy bar introduced when Jackson’s trial began earlier this year. The white chocolate confection boasts a creamy nougat center encased in a hard shell wreathed by strands Read More

Politics

President Bush Offends Visitors with Aristocrats Joke

T.J. Eckleburg 427 Views 4 min read

CRAWFORD, Texas – President George W.Bush horrified a group of conservative pro-war activists at a private barbeque on his Crawford, Texas, ranch yesterday when he told The Aristocrats joke during a game of horseshoes. Widely touted as the filthiest joke in history, The Aristocrats is the subject of a recently released documentary film directed by Read More

Celebrities

Newton-John’s Lover Found in Jennifer Aniston’s House

philmaggitti 427 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend, Patrick Kim McDermott, was found huddled under a blanket in Jennifer Aniston’s basement early this morning. McDermott, 48, who appeared to be healthy and unharmed, was discovered about 1:30 a.m. during a security sweep of the Friends star’s mansion by Malibu police. Aniston, 36, who is filming The Break Up Read More

Celebrities

Keanu Reeves Can’t Believe Diane Keaton Is 59

Chip Hilton 433 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Keanu Reeves is privately telling friends he was stunned when he discovered that Diane Keaton, with whom he has been linked romantically, “is like way older” than he is. “When I read in US Weekly the other day that she was fifty-nine,” Reeves told one acquaintance, “I was like, ‘whoa, dude, no way she’s Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Has Madonna with Child Syndrome

philmaggitti 416 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Angelina Jolie’s habit of never leaving home without at least one child in her arms or strapped to her person has finally attracted the attention of the mental health community. Writing in the current issue of TV Guide, Dr. Phil McGraw observed that Jolie is clearly suffering from a chronic case of Madonna Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Expecting Virgin Birth

philmaggitti 494 Views 4 min read

HOLLYWOOD- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting their first Scientologist next spring. Given the public displays of tonsil hockey put on by Cruise, 43, and Holmes, 26, in the world’s major capitals earlier this year, their announcement is about as surprising as Courtney Love revealing that she has another date with the jumper cables Read More

Celebrities

Brad Pitt Jennifer Aniston Divorce Stuns World Leaders

Chip Hilton 486 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – As soon as heads of state learned that a California judge had signed off on Jennifer Aniston’s request for a divorce from Brad Pitt, messages of condolence from around the world began pouring into the offices of the once golden couple. “You have demonstrated a rare civility in this trying time,” wrote Read More

Music

Rolling Stones Headlines Rich with Song Puns

philmaggitti 453 Views 3 min read

BOSTON – Newspaper writers following the Rolling Stones latest world tour opened their coverage of Saturday night’s kick off concert in Boston with a high-stepping, energetic selection of headlines based on the names of songs in the Stones catalog. Readers who had any fears that age had dulled the writers’ chops were reassured by headlines Read More

Celebrities

Madonna Recovering Accent after Riding Fall

philmaggitti 635 Views 2 min read

TOLLARD ROYAL – Lady Madonna Louise Ciccone is recovering her British accent “quite nicely, thank you,” said a spokeswoman for the American singer turned faux aristocrat. Lady Madonna temporarily lost her accent—in addition to cracking three ribs and breaking her collarbone and her hand—when she fell while riding on the 1,200-acre grounds of Ashcombe House, Read More

Politics

Bush Hails Iraqi Constitution’s Marriage Definition

philmaggitti 436 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Bush administration put a positive spin on Iraqi lawmakers’ failure to agree on a draft charter of a new constitution by yesterday’s midnight deadline. President Bush, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld, and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice all praised Iraqi lawmakers for including a statue defining marriage as the union Read More

Celebrities

Ben Affleck Quits Acting for Baby’s Sake

Chip Hilton 432 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Ben Affleck has vowed to give up acting for the sake of his unborn daughter. The Pearl Harbor star said he made the decision at the request of his pregnant wife, Jennifer Garner. Friends of the couple say Garner, 33, who stars in the television show Alias, doesn’t want Affleck to continue acting while she Read More

Music

Rolling Stones Deny Other Songs About Bush

philmaggitti 439 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – Mick Jagger told Interview magazine’s special correspondent Elton John that none of the songs on the Rolling Stones’ new album, “A Bigger Bang,” is about President George W. Bush. Jagger had previously denied in The Wall Street Journal that “Sweet Neo Con” from “A Bigger Bang” was aimed at the president, but increasing pressure from right-wing Read More

Religion

Pat Robertson Advocates Killing Obese People

Biff Scuzzy 452 Views 2 min read

HAMPTON ROADS, Vir. – Televangelist Pat Robertson says the United States is wasting precious resources on diets that don’t work and “needs to consider other alternatives” in combating obesity. Speaking on his Christian news-talk television show The 700 Club, Robertson said this country needs to launch a full scale War on Obesity, similar to the War Read More

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