September, 2011 - postcards from the pug bus

Trey Anastasio App Pulled by Google, Phish Fans Bummed

philmaggitti 177 Views 2 min read

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. – In a move that is certain to harsh the mellows of thousands of Phish fans, Google announced late yesterday that it has cancelled the release of the greatly anticipated Trey Anastasio … Read on

Celebrities

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Mounting Remake of Don Quixote

Chip Hilton 190 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – In conjunction with what would have been Miguel de Cervantes’ 464th birthday, Tom Cruise has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon. Sources close to Mr. Cruise claim he will announce that work … Read on

Blog

An Open Letter to Those Barenaked People in San Francisco

philmaggitti 188 Views 4 min read

Dear Hideous-Looking Assholes:
OK, you had your little nude-in last Saturday, now put your damn clothes on. Put ’em all on, every last bit you left at home in an arrogant, misguided attempt to shove … Read on

Sporting Life

Hookers Rally in Philadelphia to Protest NBA Lockout

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PHILADELPHIA – When two pick-up teams featuring NBA stars LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, and others lace up their $1,200 sneakers at Philadelphia’s Palestra tonight, they will be shadowed by at least a dozen … Read on

Culture

Texas Says Death Row Inmates Deserve Healthier Last Meals

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HUNTSVILLE, Texas – The execution of Lawrence Brewer has reignited the controversy about the last meals traditionally served to inmates on death row. Mr. Brewer, forty-four, was executed in the Texas State Penitentiary last night … Read on

Sporting Life

Patriots Cheerleader Alexa Flutie Should Jump to Canada

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FOXBORO, Mass. – Alexa Flutie, who finally made the New England Patriots cheerleading team this year, should consider a move to the CFL (Canadian Football League), says one scout, who asked not to be identified.… Read on

Sporting Life

How to Tell If Your College Football Team’s Uniforms Are Gay

philmaggitti 206 Views 1 min read

BRISTOL, Conn. – Are we hallucinating or have college football uniforms become more and more gay looking these days? When your alma mater takes the field, do its team members look like football players or … Read on

Horoscopes

Heidi Montag’s Surgically Enhanced Birthday Horoscope

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HOLLYWOOD – Born today you share a birthday with actress Heidi Montag—at least with her original parts. A former star of The Hills, Ms. Montag has had boob jobs, nose jobs, and a brow … Read on

News

Celebrating National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month

philmaggitti 183 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month, when we pause to acknowledge obese children across the United States. A growing presence in this country, obese children have ballooned from 6.5 to 19.6 percent … Read on

Music

An Open Letter to the Rolling Stones

philmaggitti 179 Views 3 min read

Dear Mick, Keith, Charlie, and the New Guy,
I have learned recently that you geezers might be touring next year. Please don’t. In the name of all that’s wrinkled, wizened, and way past its prime—namely … Read on

Ass Hats

Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts, Hooker-Kid Mom Is Ass Hat of the Moment

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Somebody call child protection services, ASAP.

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – What sort of dipshit thinks it’s “hysterically funny” to dress her three-year-old daughter as a hooker and shove her onstage before a nationwide television audience on … Read on

Pug Bus Pop Quiz

Help Save the Post Office, Take This Quiz

philmaggitti 171 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The United States Postal Service (USPS) may go tits up this winter if Congress doesn’t provide it with mail sacks full of cash, roughly $5.5 billion, give or take. That’s the … Read on

Religion

Rick Perry Says Animals Were Domesticated by Intelligent Design

philmaggitti 155 Views 2 min read

MULESHOE, Texas – Governor Rick Perry told an audience at the First Evangelical Church of the Chosen Flock last night that schools in Texas should stop teaching “the heathen theory of domestication.”

Speaking at the … Read on

News

Text of Obama’s Jobs Speech Leaked

Biff Scuzzy 156 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The text of President Obama’s major address about jobs, scheduled to be delivered before a joint session of Congress Thursday night, has been obtained by the Washington Post‘s Bob Woodward.

Although … Read on

News