March 2022 – postcards from the pug bus

Atheist Scores Exclusive Interview with the Historical Jesus

philmaggitti 204 Views 5 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.—Although we hold no brief with invisible friends in the sky—not the nine choirs of angels, the eight maids a-milking, the heavenly hosts a-dancing, or the figments of anybody’s fevered second-rate imagination—we are … Read on

Horoscopes

The Sacred Paraphernalia of the Zodiac

philmaggitti 239 Views 5 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.—Everybody knows that different gemstones, power phrases, colors, handshakes, and non-GMO crystals are associated with the various signs of the Zodiac. Only the elevated stargazer, however, can see the relationships among different items … Read on

Horoscopes

Ganjascope Wins Consumer Reports® Nod

philmaggitti 227 Views 4 min read

Unlike most pot-related horoscopes, which aren’t worth the pixels they’re printed on, the Ganjascope℠ was chosen recently by Consumer Reports® as “the most virtually accurate” of the major marijuana horoscopes. “The standard error of measure … Read on

News

Deaths from Weighted Blankets on the Rise

philmaggitti 245 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER–A seventy-five-year-old woman, whose name was being withheld at press time, was found dead in her apartment yesterday afternoon, trapped by the weighted blanket under which she had been pinned for some time. Neighbors, … Read on

News

Study Finds that Shadows Lead Lives of Quiet Desperation

philmaggitti 218 Views 1 min read

CHICAGO—A study conducted recently by the University of Chicago suggests that shadows lead flat, unfulfilling lives. According to the study—based on observations of shadows in thirty-seven states—shadows do not exhibit characteristics associated with a satisfactory … Read on

Celebrities

Scarlett Johansson’s Ass to Star in American Express Ad

philmaggitti 231 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Scarlett Johansson’s ass and American Express: the perfect fit. Ms. Johansson never leaves home without them.

Scarlett Johansson: My Life, My Card
Name . . . Scarlett Johansson

Born . . . … Read on

News

AMA Dropping Elitist Foreign Names for Phobias

Chip Hilton 223 Views 1 min read

CHICAGO—American Medical Association (AMA) board member Deter Camel, MD, MPH, HMFIC, ended weeks of speculation when he announced yesterday that the association will discontinue its practice of giving “elitist foreign names” to phobias. Dr. Camel … Read on

Book of Daze

National Drunks Against Mad Mothers Day℠

philmaggitti 392 Views 2 min read

James Carville described Pennsylvania as “Philadelphia on one side, Pittsburgh on the other, and Alabama in between.” Living just far enough west of Philadelphia to witness the truth of Mr. Carville’s observation, we are not … Read on

Culture

Local SPCA Rescues 250 Pug Dog Figurines

philmaggitti 225 Views 4 min read

CHADDS FORD, Penn. – Acting on a tip from a local animal rights activist, police and SPCA officers raided the home of longtime pug figurine collector Dotsie Kerrigan, 67, yesterday. As horrified neighbors in the … Read on

Technology

Updates for Old White Man Apps Due from Apple, Google

philmaggitti 248 Views 2 min read

CUPERTINO, CA—Apple and Google are locked in a hair-pulling, eye-gouging, nut-smacking contest to see who can get to market first with a significant upgrade for the Old White Man (OWM) app, which was originally patterned … Read on

Technology

Apple iPhone 12 Contains Fecal Finder™ App

philmaggitti 228 Views 2 min read

In its rollout of the iPhone 12, Apple seems to have saved one of the most revolutionary features of its gear new phone for last: the Fecal Finder™ app, which can detect fecal material as … Read on