Forensic Horoscopes: The Coroner’s Report

Forensic horoscopes illustration of a morgue with twelve zodiac-tagged gurneys, a weary coroner, and clues revealing how each forecast met its fate. — Officials concluded that most forecasts succumbed to overconfidence, poor judgment, or prolonged exposure to other people.

This week the stars have replaced their normally cheerful predictions with forensic horoscopes. After a lengthy but shallow investigation, celestial coroners determined that all predictions met an untimely end somewhere between unrealistic expectations and poor decision-making. Toxicology reports revealed traces of denial, overconfidence, expired coupons, and prolonged exposure to online customer support

The following causes of dead forecasts have been released to the public.

♉ Taurus … Stubbornly refused to relocate after the couch was declared structurally unsound.

♊ Gemini … Kept comparing options long after all available options had disappeared.

♋ Cancer … Opened an old email chain and read far deeper into it than medical professionals had recommend.

♌ Leo … Accepted responsibility for organizing a surprise party that was supposed to be a surprise for someone else.

♍ Virgo … Tried to create a system for organizing previously created systems.

♎ Libra … Found lifeless after reading restaurant reviews for a meal never ordered.

♏ Scorpio … Became fatally invested in a mystery involving people you did not know.

♐ Sagittarius … Last seen trying to follow directions that began with the observation, “There’s probably a shortcut.”

♑ Capricorn … Disappeared after successfully completing every item on a to-do list and discovering there was no parade.

♒ Aquarius … Volunteered for a pilot program nobody could adequately explain.

♓ Pisces … Mistook a warning sign for poetry.

Official Coroner’s Note: Additional forecasts remain under investigation. Preliminary evidence suggests several may have died while resetting passwords, comparing streaming services, attempting to cancel subscriptions, waiting for verification codes, researching purchases they never made, or reading the comments section in search of wisdom.

Next of kin are advised to proceed cautiously and avoid making any major decisions while Mercury is doing whatever Mercury always claims to be doing.

Find additional horoscopes from the back of beyond by clicking here if you dare.

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The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.