A Dear John Letter from Your Horoscope
Why the Dear John letter? Because astrology was never meant to be a cosmic suggestion box for your delusions of grandeur. Yet here we are, knee-deep in petitions, glitter-ink pleas, and badly Photoshopped vision boards begging us for super-powers. We have had requests for invisibility cloaks to sneak into exes’ weddings, time-travel so someone could re-do prom night, and the ever-popular ability to make one’s boss spontaneously combust during performance reviews.
The Zodiac, having suffered centuries of your whining about Mercury in retrograde and your questionable taste in tattoos, has at last convened a celestial rejection committee. Consider the following Dear John letters our official declinations–drafted on recycled star-charts and scented faintly of cosmic disappointment.
We regret to inform you that none of you are getting your ridiculous wish. You were barely trustworthy with a fidget spinner, let alone super-powers. Read on, weep freely, and know that the universe says no with love, disdain, and a touch of glitter-dusted side-eye.
♈ Aries ðŸƒ”â™‚ï¸ Super-Speed
Dear Aries, Your request for super-speed has been declined. You already sprint into every disaster head-first. Giving you the ability to break the sound barrier would simply allow you to reach the wrong conclusions faster. Please continue using your regular legs to chase regrets at a normal human pace.
♉ Taurus 💰 Alchemical Gold-Making
Dear Taurus, You asked for the power to turn everything you touch into gold. We must decline because you would immediately convert your couch, your bed, and your snacks into gold bars. Then you would starve while sitting on a fortune. Please continue hoarding coupons instead.
♊ Gemini ðŸ—£ï¸ Perfect Mind-Reading
Dear Gemini, We cannot approve your request for mind-reading. You already argue with yourself out loud. If you also heard everyone else’s thoughts, your personal echo chamber would explode like an over-pressured soda can. For the sake of public safety, keep guessing what others think.
♋ Cancer 🥲 Emotional Weather Control
Dear Cancer, You asked to control the weather with your feelings. Unfortunately, your feelings change more often than the channel during a commercial break. A single moody Tuesday could drown Nebraska. We suggest continuing to use scented candles to regulate your inner storms.
♌ Leo 🌟 Laser-Powered Spotlight
Dear Leo, We cannot grant you a permanent cosmic spotlight. The world is already dimming its lights to cope with your need for applause after microwaving soup. A galactic beam following you everywhere would blind house pets and cause traffic pile-ups. Please accept applause from your mirror only.
♠Virgo 🧹 Instant Cosmic Tidying
Dear Virgo, Your request for instant universal tidying has been denied. If we gave you this gift, you would spend eternity re-aligning mountain ranges by two degrees, vacuuming craters on the moon, and alphabetising raindrops. The universe cannot keep up with that kind of perfectionism.
♎ Libra âš–ï¸ Perfect Decision-Making Algorithm
Dear Libra, We regret to inform you that you will not be receiving a supernatural decision-making algorithm. If you had it, you would still take three days to pick between identical shades of beige. The cosmos does not have the bandwidth to watch you deliberate forever.
♠Scorpio 🦂 Hypnotic Seduction Beam
Dear Scorpio, Your petition for a hypnotic seduction beam has been rejected. There is already enough psychological damage from your regular charm. A concentrated seduction ray would destabilise entire city councils. Please continue to use meaningful eye-contact and ominous pauses responsibly.
♠Sagittarius 🹠Teleportation Anywhere
Dear Sagittarius, You asked for the power to teleport wherever the fun is. We cannot approve this because your definition of “fun” includes bungee jumping off hotel balconies at 3 a.m. We are not ready for the international incident reports. Kindly continue to book budget flights like everyone else.
♑ Capricorn 📈 Time-Stop For Productivity
Dear Capricorn, Your request to stop time so you could “get ahead at work” has been denied. We suspect you would merely freeze the clock to send longer work emails and perfect your spreadsheets. The timeline deserves better. We recommend a nap instead.
♒ Aquarius 🌊 Summon-Your-Own-Cult Followers
Dear Aquarius, We cannot grant you the ability to manifest instant followers for your next revolutionary app-slash-utopian-movement. You have already founded three experimental podcasts that no one understands. Giving you disciples would only add paperwork for the Department of Cosmic Liability.
♓ Pisces 🎠Shapeshifting Into Other People’s Feelings
Dear Pisces, Your request to shapeshift into other people’s emotions has been declined. You already absorb their feelings like a hungry sponge at a sad poetry reading. Turning you into literal feelings would cause you to dissolve at children’s birthday parties. We suggest keeping tissues nearby instead.
For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.