Saturday, December 9, 2023

Angelina Jolie Adoption Spree Inspires New SAT Questions

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PRINCETON, N.J. – Angelina Jolie’s mad-brained adoption behavior has inspired the Educational Testing Service (ETS) in Princeton, New Jersey, to add several new questions to the mathematics portion of its venerable Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT).

An official at ETS said the Jolie questions were part of an attempt to overhaul the SAT in order to make it more relevant to students’ lives and interests. The new questions, which were leaked to the educational editor of THEM Weekly, are presented below.

Q: If Angelina Jolie adopted a seven-month-old boy in 2002, a six-month-old girl in 2005, and a three-year-old boy in 2007, whom will she adopt next?
A: 1) a seven-month-old girl in 2009; 2) a four-year-old girl in 2008; 3) twins, one male and one female, in 2009; 4) Britney Spears’ children in a New York minute.

Q: If Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt is older than Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, and Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt is younger than Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt, and Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt is older than Pax Thien Jolie , and Pax Thien Jolie is older than Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt, then Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt is . . .
A: 1) older than Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt, 2) younger than Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt, 3) the same age as Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt, 4) mad at Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt for calling her “tar baby.”

Q:If Pax Thien Jolie has two dozen press-on henna tattoos and he gives 1/4 to Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt and then 1/3 of the remaining number to Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, how many press-on henna tattoos does Pax Thien Jolie have left?
A: 1) one dozen, 2) twelve, 3) a baker’s dozen, 4) only five snakes and four death skulls because Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt stole the rest.

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Q: If Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt leaves Cambodia at eight in the morning, and Pax Thien Jolie leaves Vietnam at ten in the morning, while Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt leaves Africa one hour earlier, and they are all traveling at the same speed in their private jets, who will arrive at New Orleans first for a photo op?
A: 1) Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt, 2) Pax Thien Jolie, 3) Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt, 4) they will all arrive at the same time because all god’s children are created equal.

Q: A child collector with four children has to leave for work by 6:00 a.m. If she takes twenty minutes to get dressed, half as long as that to eat, and three times longer than that to draw some blood from each of her four children and put it in the vial around her neck, what time should she get up?
A: 1) 5:00 a.m., 2) 5:15 a.m., 3) 4:45 a.m., 4) 4:00 a.m. if her alarm clock didn’t automatically adjust for the new daylight savings time.

Q: If Angelina Jolie’s four children weigh 60.5 kilos, how much does Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt weigh if Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt weighs one-third as much as Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt, and Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt weighs twice as much as Pax Thien Jolie?
A: 1) ten Oscars, 2) fifteen Oscars, 3) twelve Golden Globes, 4) four French hens and three turtle doves.

In related news, a representative of the Hispanic Home Schooling Association for the Children of Undocumented Workers criticized the new SAT questions, calling them culturally biased because Ms. Jolie has not adopted or produced any Hispanic children.    

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