philmaggitti – Page 31 – postcards from the pug bus

President Bush Claims Spy Program Foiled Grammy Plot

philmaggitti 448 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush told reporters yesterday that “a top-secret domestic spying program” had foiled a plot to disrupt Wednesday’s Grammy Awards ceremony. According to the president, the intercepted communications that led to the discovery of the plot were “among the first fruits of Operation Homeland Harvest,” a new domestic spying program. Unlike Read More

Music

Rolling Stones Inspired by Super Bowl Appearance

philmaggitti 422 Views 3 min read

DETROIT – The Rolling Stones came away from their high-energy, twelve-minute appearance at Super Bowl XL with a renewed enthusiasm about performing. The concert, which was hailed by many Stones fans as the group’s “best in several decades,” was a revelation to Mick Jagger as well. At a press conference immediately following the Super Bowl, Read More

Politics

Canine Response to President Bush’s State of the Union Address

philmaggitti 414 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Frank, the pug dog who starred in Men in Black, delivered the official canine response to President George W. Bush’s state of the union address yesterday. Speaking through an interpreter, Frank accused the president of exploiting “that dumb-ass German shepherd Rex,” who attended the state of the union address at the invitation of Read More

Celebrities

Jessica Simpson’s Chateau Marmont Adventure

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HOLLYWOOD – Jessica Simpson spent Tuesday night at Hollywood’s storied Chateau Marmont, “the place where things happen.” Photos taken of Ms. Simpson as she entered the infamous hideaway in the evening and as she left the following morning suggest that something did indeed happen in the meantime. The question is what, and it begs several questions Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Nixes Katie Holmes Sex Scene

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PARK CITY, Utah – Tom Cruise put the scissors down on his fiance Katie Holmes’ steamy sex scene in Jason Reitman’s Thank You for Smoking, a political comedy screened before a packed house at the Sundance Film Festival last Saturday. Most of the standing-room-only audience was there to see the virginal Holmes wearing nothing but a Read More

Politics

President Bush Uses Paparazzi for Domestic Spying

philmaggitti 447 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Nearly one out of three respondents to the latest Postcards from the Pug Bus poll believe members of the paparazzi are engaged in domestic spying for President Bush. The poll, conducted between January 11 and 21, has a 3 percent margin of error. The percentage of respondents who believed the paparazzi Read More

Religion

God Accepts Mayor Ray Nagin’s Apology

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NEW ORLEANS – New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin, assured the people of the United States that God had accepted his apology. Mayor Nagin, the latest in a long line of political and religious figures who purport to know the mind of the Almighty, announced yesterday that God not only was not mad at the American Read More

Sporting Life

Michelle Wie Scores Moral Victory over Self

philmaggitti 426 Views 2 min read

HAWAII – Golfing sensation Michelle Wie, 16, added to her string of moral victories yesterday when she shot a sixty-eight in the second round of the Sony Open here and failed once again in her quest to make the cut at a men’s event. Wie’s score, which obliterated her first round score of seventy-nine, was Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Confirms Adopt-a-Highway Program

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MALIBU, Calif. – Angelina Jolie is expected to confirm the arrival of her long rumored adopt-a-highway program today. The civic-minded actress said in a press release that the program is an attempt to “transcend the limitations of time and space” that constrain traditional adoptions, which are normally confined to children and animals. “Although I still Read More

Culture

Colin Farrell Sex Tape, Two Thumbs Down

philmaggitti 414 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Special Delivery, the much anticipated biracial romance starring Colin Farrell and former playmate Nicole Narain, fails to keep the viewer’s interest up despite grinding, albeit sincere, performances by its co-stars—and a surprise spin at the end. Farrell and Narain try mightily to flesh out their roles with locker room banter and single entendre Read More

News

Postal Service Marks Rate Hike with R. Kelly Stamp

philmaggitti 441 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Postal Service marked the latest increase in the price of a first-class stamp (from 37 to 39 cents for the first ounce) by releasing the R. Kelly comemorative issue. The release date, January 8, is timed to coincide with Mr. Kelly’s thirty-ninth birthday. “We thought the synchronicity of Mr. Read More

Culture

Mariah Carey to Tom Cruise, 2005 Bytes

philmaggitti 444 Views 5 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Not for nothing did Marah release an album this year entitled If You Didn’t Laugh, You’d Cry. It was that kind of year, people, a jingle-jangle phantasmagoria of sights, sounds, and silliness; nonsense, nonesuch, and no-brainers. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it. Some days art was hard pressed Read More

Culture

Jessica Simpson Plans for Leap Second

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Jessica Simpson has finalized her plan for taking advantage of the extra second—or leap second—that will be added to clocks around the world at the stroke of midnight on December 31. The recently separated singer-actress told reporters she will use the time “writing a post-nuptial agreement to protect my interests after Read More

Politics

President Bush Spied on Internet Users

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unprecedented step the White House released a classified report detailing the results of an eavesdropping campaign conducted in an Internet chat room. The chat room (www.letsgetsirius.org) is frequented by dog-loving singles looking to sniff out new partners for “romps on the beach” or “quiet nights in front of the fireplace.” Read More

Politics

President Bush to Replace Verizon Guy

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush and Verizon Wireless are expected to announce at a joint news conference today that the president will take the place of Paul Marcarelli, the long-time advertising face of Verizon, in a new series of commercials. The company is also expected to announce that it is changing its much-parodied Read More