Author: philmaggitti

Celebrities

Jessica Simpson Files for Divorce over Lack of Nickname

LOS ANGELES – Singer-actress Jessica Simpson, twenty-five, has filed for divorce from Nick Lachey, thirty-two, her husband of three years. In a divorce petition filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, Simpson cited the lack of a nickname as the cause for the dissolution of her marriage. “BradJen, TomKat, Bradgelina, these are instantly recognizable brands,” said Read More

News

King Kong Protest Planned by PETA

VIRGINIA BEACH, Vir. – When King Kong opens at more than 3,500 theaters across the United States today, people attending many of those theaters will be greeted by protesters from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). According to a PETA press release, members of the radical animal rights group will be demonstrating against “the wonton Read More

Religion

Jesus Christ Unhappy with Chronicles of Narnia Campaign

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN – The Lord God Jesus Christ is “sore displeased” with the Disney Corporation. Through a special arrangement with Google, Jesus issued via Gmail a simultaneous statement to 4,500 news sources around the world, disavowing “any craven attempt to profit from the unauthorized use of My image as the Lion of Judah.” “My Read More

CulturePolitics

President Bush to Withdraw Serial Comma

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A high-level source in the White House, speaking on condition of anonymity, has revealed that President Bush will announce in a major television address tomorrow night that he is withdrawing the serial comma from the Federal Elements of Style. Consequently, as of December 24, writers employed in any government office will not Read More

News

Does This Needle Make My Butt Look Big?

CHICAGO, Ill. – A study conducted by the American Medical Association (AMA) suggests that grossly overweight women are more likely to skip treatment for conditions that can normally be alleviated with antibiotics. The study, sponsored by WalMart Inc. and Lane Bryant, found that overweight women often skip appointments to receive posterior injections of antibiotics because Read More

Celebrities

Jessica Simpson Blames Split on Mensa Society

HOLLYWOOD – In a statement released today, Jessica Simpson blamed Mensa, the high IQ society, for her split with Nick Lachey, her husband of three years. Simpson, 25, star of Newlyweds and The Dukes of Hazzard, claimed that her involvement with Mensa was “the straw in the ointment” that doomed her already shaky union with Lachey, 32. “My Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Launches Anti-war Protest

MALIBU, Calif. – Pop icon Britney Spears has vowed to stop wearing a bra in public and to refrain from having sex with her husband Kevin Federline until President George W. Bush brings U.S. troops home from Iraq. Spears told reporters outside a veterinarian’s office in Malibu earlier this week that she had gotten the Read More

Celebrities

Nicole Richie Writes Book, Vows to Read One Next

HOLLYWOOD – Having had the pleasure of seeing The Truth About Diamonds, her first book, published, Nicole Richie told US Weekly that now that she understands “how books are made” she is less intimidated by them and “definitely” plans to read one soon. “I always thought people who wrote books were like supersmart,” said Richie before a book Read More

Religion

Home School Movement Needs Metal Detectors, Says Pat Robertson

VIRGINIA BEACH, Vir. – Calling the shooting deaths of Michael and Cathryn Borden “the home schooling movement’s very own Columbine,” televangelist Pat Robertson urged parents who home school their children to install metal detectors in their houses. The Bordens, both 50, who home schooled the three youngest of their five children, resided near the village Read More

Technology

Newest Sony Software Will Limit CD Plays

NEW YORK – Fingering consumers who play the same CD repeatedly as the latest threat to profits, Sony BMG music corporation is introducing new digital rights management (DRM) software that will limit the number of times CDs can be played by purchasers. Beginning next Tuesday all new CDs released on the Sony BMG label—which is Read More

News

Tara Reid Still Celebrating Birthday

LOS ANGELES – Tara Reid, who turned thirty yesterday, is still toasting the occasion. Reid’s marathon birthday party, which began around sundown Monday, was in its thirty-eighth hour when Reid was sighted staggering out of an after-hours club this morning with Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline in tow. Recently crowned the biggest party animal in Read More

Sporting Life

Terrell Owens Suspended by Monday Night Football

NEW YORK – Monday Night Football has suspended Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens indefinitely for conduct detrimental to its commercials. Owens, who appeared in an infamous skit with Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan preceding an MNF telecast last November, was scheduled to appear in a follow-up to that controversial advert this year. The sequel Read More

News

Chicken Little Stricken with Avian Flu

DISNEYLAND – What was to be a triumphant weekend debut for Walt Disney Studios Chicken Little was marred by the news that the hero of this newly released animated feature has been stricken with the Asian bird flu. Therefore, instead of crowing, Disney issued a tersely worded press release today, confirming rumors that had been flying around Read More