Book of Daze: WW III Readiness Day

Nations once marked the calendar with harvest festivals, saints’ days, and commemorations of battles they insisted were victories. Now, in a gesture of global unity, world leaders have unveiled a more honest observance: WW III Readiness Day, to be celebrated whenever several governments simultaneously use the phrase “out of an abundance of caution.”

This holiday honors that special moment when headlines achieve escape velocity. U.S. and Israeli strikes on Iran. Drone incursions described as “concerning.” Emergency evacuations that resemble group chats gone feral. Thousands of canceled flights, because nothing says stability like sleeping on airport carpet under a blinking departures board.

A joint communique explained the spirit of the day. “We urge calm,” one official said, speaking from a secure bunker that reportedly features artisanal water filtration and flattering lighting.

Another leader reassured citizens: “There is no cause for alarm,” moments before suspending commercial airspace and advising the public to stock canned goods.

Governments have prepared fitting traditions. At noon, citizens refresh their news feeds in unison. At one o’clock, ceremonial statements are issued that clarify nothing but sound resolute. Children may construct model supply chains and then interrupt them with plastic drones. For added authenticity, families are encouraged to cancel something expensive.

WW III Readiness Day also commemorates surreal acts of governance past: color-coded terror alerts that matched the drapes, emergency text messages sent by mistake, hastily printed maps with arrows pointing in several persuasive directions.

We remember the time officials suggested calm while simultaneously relocating entire embassies. We honor the press conference in which a spokesperson described a missile exchange as “dynamic.”

How to celebrate? Begin with the Airport Queue Fashion Show. Dress in comfortable despair. Accessorize with a portable charger and an expression of mild disbelief. Post a Military-Grade Tweetstorm. Use the word “unprecedented” sparingly. It has seen things.

At dusk, light a candle for the notion that cooler heads might prevail. It flickers, but it persists. Panic is contagious. So, occasionally, is restraint.

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