Candid Horoscopes

Today we present candid horoscopes. The usual cosmic claptrap has been replaced with the kind of blunt disclosure normally reserved for tax attorneys and ex‑spouses.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): While waiting on hold with the United States Patent and Trademark Office, you overhear two senior officials discussing a new injectable weight-loss medication that eliminates appetite without the usual side effects of brittle hair, volcanic rage, or the sudden urge to livestream your grievances. Your first instinct is to hang up so you will not be tempted to monetize insider information. Then you remember you once sold a domain name to a cousin. Do not pretend this is a moral dilemma.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You are a lab-grown diamond in a world obsessed with certificates of authenticity. So what? Authenticity is merely branding with better lighting. Any amateur can be genuine. It requires little effort and even less imagination. True artisans understand that their finest fabrication is themselves. Apply a soft filter and proceed.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Are you imprisoned within your own curated persona, unable to pass a reflective surface without checking to see if you look spontaneous? Are you cold, efficient, and fluent only in your own needs? If so, attempt to locate your feminine side. This is especially urgent if you are a woman.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Although you, like most Cancers, are a born complainer, you should consider the possibility that your present life is a last request from a previous existence. You should also try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Time to start thinking outside the box. If life  gives you lemons, why not make filet of sole with a lemon-wedge garnish? If the chickens come home to roost, get out the Shake ‘n’ Bake. Who cares for whom the bell tolls anyway? Let the answering machine get it.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Your temper becomes clinical after you microwave your laptop for failing to boot up quickly enough. A friend convinces you that your best shot for salvation lies in the Smith and Wesson Anger Management Program. FYI: your friend got this bright idea from a golden retriever with better boundaries than you.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Half your dilemma arises from being the only inanimate sign of the zodiac. The other half stems from a reverse attention deficit disorder: people struggle to focus on you. Consider a theatrical limp or a strategically placed bandage. Nothing commands attention like the suggestion of fragility.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Your finances are so strained that you are sharing a smart grill subscription with a family that forages protein from  roadkill. Later this month, a three-hundred-pound emotional support parrot named Junior will introduce you to the concepts of duality, adjectives, and the Hegelian dialectic. Take notes. The bird is literate.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Bad news, kid. The world is not your diaper. The wind is in your face; your ruling house is in denial; the road slopes downward to meet you, and your dreams are wearing toe tags. What’s more, the four horsepersons of the apocalypse are saddling up to go barrel racing on your front lawn.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Your evening plans are set afire by protesters. After a group of nuns fails to put the fire out with holy water, a paraplegic oaf saves your life by chugging cans of Fosters and spitting their contents on the fire. Let this be a lesson to you. Half an oaf is better than nuns.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): The sudden appearance of a vintage stand-up comic as your screen saver leads you to suspect your devices are infected with the I Love Me virus. Every article you read dissolves into platitudes about resilience. That is how the content crumbles. If you shuffle the deck carefully, at least you will not mistake recycled wisdom for insight.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You believe you have located your soulmate in an online forum dedicated to a former children’s television icon. Before booking a flight for artisanal coffee and micro-dosed enlightenment, determine whether this is destiny or a well-lit avatar with excellent dental symmetry.

For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click here if you dare.