Britney Spears News Blackout Urged by Satire Website

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania’s leading celebrity satire website, has called for a Britney Spears news blackout. Site founder and editor in briefs, Phil Maggitti, threw down the gauntlet yesterday afternoon, frightening his Boston terrier and nearly spilling a tall decaf latte in the process.

“We haven’t written about that loser for nearly four weeks now, and we don’t plan to write about her any time soon,” said Mr. Maggitti.

“She could have triplets by three different fathers, and we’d rather poke fun at Clay Aiken’s latest charity concert. We’re challenging other satire websites—and mainstream celebrity gossip sites as well—to follow our lead.

“This crazy person isn’t funny any more,” Mr. Maggitti continued. “Besides, her influence on legitimate celebrity culture is more toxic than a boatload of antifreeze-laced wheat gluten from China. Anyone who continues to write about her is guilty of contributing to the downfall of celebrity culture as we know it.”

According to Mr. Maggitti, “Writing about Britney Spears is like beating a dead ho. She’s worse than watching bum fights. What is there left to write about her anyway? We’ve seen her tits, we’ve seen her ass, we wish we hadn’t seen her puffy, and we especially wish we hadn’t seen her C-section scar.

“We’ve seen her belching and acting like a fool on YouTube; we’ve seen her shaving her head and going ape merde on a poor innocent car with an umbrella. What we’d like to see her do now is go away—take her white-trash-dressing, Wal-Mart-shopping, nekkid-picture-posing, slimeball-humping self on permanent vacation.”

Mr. Maggitti admitted that even though articles about Ms. Spears had generated “an unseemly amount of traffic” for Postcards from the Pug Bus, he was willing to sacrifice that traffic for the sake of journalistic integrity.

“Her fans need to get a life. When are they going to wake up and realize that she hasn’t got any talent, she hasn’t got any taste, she hasn’t got enough brain power to drive a tinkle ant’s motorcycle half way around a dime, and she’s the world’s worst mother. If people continue to write about her, they’re guilty of co-enabling her next five marriages, her next six kids, her next seven breakdowns, and who knows how many repackaged greatest hits CDs. Enough is enough, people.”    

If the public pratfalls of Hollywood’s overpaid, virtue-signaling drama llamas make your day as they make ours, check out these Celebrity Shockers — where meltdowns, mugshots, and micro-bikinis collide.