Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Britney Spears Quits Rehab, May Flee to Namibia

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MALIBU – Britney Spears completed another successful one-day stint in rehab yesterday. After spending a restful night in the Christian Slater suite at Promises-by-the-Sea, chatting with friends on her cell phone and ordering in pizza, the one-time pop star summoned a car service at 8:00 a.m. and headed for the nearest tattoo parlor, apparently forgetting that people seeking tattoos are not the earliest risers in the barn.

Unable to add more ink to her person, Ms. Spears then took a meeting with prominent criminal defense and emigration lawyer Blair Berk. According to a source at THEM Weekly, Ms. Berk, who helped Reese Witherspoon avoid criminal charges when a paparazzo was found dead in her swimming pool, had also worked behind the scenes to arrange Ms. Spears’ trip to Namibia to give birth to her second child last year.

That trip, which Ms. Spears had wanted to keep on the down low, was aborted when the Associated Press picked up a story that had appeared on this website and dished to the world about Ms. Spears’ travel plans. Nevertheless, those close to Ms. Spears say that Namibia has never been far from her thoughts; and the more harried she becomes, the more she sees Namibia as a haven where “the false tabloids” would leave her in peace.

“Brit loved the idea that there are no seat-belt laws in Namibia and lots of unpaved roads where she can take her sons driving,” said a friend. “She’s always saying that Namibia reminds her of California because it’s on the ocean and there’s plenty of sand. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if she shaved her head and got more tattoos so she could fit in better over there once she gets a tan.”

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Although Ms. Spears did not respond to messages left for her at several Los Angeles tattoo parlors, Namibian prime minister, Nahas Gideon Angula, said his country would welcome Ms. Spears if she decided to move there.

“It would not be a problem for us to reinstate the oppressive anti-media measures we installed at the request of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, whose presence did so much for our nation’s economy,” said Mr. Angula. “Ms. Spears could walk around butt naked with a ring in her nose over here if she wanted to, and nobody would give her a second look.”

In other news, half-white presidential candidate Barack Obama told reporters he would not be bullied by rival Hillary Rodham Clinton into apologizing for remarks made about her by his supporters.

“I represent the politics of change and a fresh start,” said Mr. Obama, “and if someone who supports me calls Ms. Clinton a lesbian, I’m not going to lower myself by getting involved in that kind of food fight. Besides, I don’t think being a lesbian is anything to be ashamed of.”    

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