Horoscopes Archives - Page 11 of 24 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Sports car or pick-up truck?

Dale Droot, 58, regional grit consultant

Allegedly parked at 22 Gravel Onion Road, Muncie, IN

Pick-up truck. A sports car says you have unresolved feelings about your hairline. A pick-up says you might help someone move, then mention it for twelve years.

Tessa Clune, 46, fragrance accountability officer

Allegedly reversing carefully at 7 Lilac Spur, Reno, NV

Sports car. I respect a vehicle that announces bad judgment before the driver even opens his mouth. A pick-up truck always looks like it is late to supervise gravel.

Marlene Bix, 69, retired driveway theorist

Allegedly idling at 301 Bent Hydrangea Lane, Utica, NY

Pick-up truck for life, sports car for lunch. One moves mulch, furniture, and shame. The other moves a divorced orthodontist toward a leather jacket he cannot justify.

When the zodiac’s HR department stops returning emails.

Horoscopes

Imaginary Horoscopes for Real People

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

The stars have been raw dogging again, and their output today–Imaginary Horoscopes for Real People–resembles that of a malfunctioning AI with an astrology fetish and… Read More

Relax—time is refunding your bad decisions.

Horoscopes

Backward Horoscopes We Didn’t See Coming

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

Fellow babies: buckle up for the collapse of linear time and all that it implies. There go the Backward Horoscopes We Didn’t See Coming. Catch… Read More

Offbeat horoscopes ride a neon zodiac carousel.

Horoscopes

Offbeat Horoscopes That Refuse to Behave

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

Offbeat horoscopes for seekers who do not need cosmic hugs or fortune-cookie wisdom. Fresh, sly, and occasionally useful, like gossip from the stars that almost… Read More

Now pick a card, darling—your fate’s about to get fabulous and mildly cursed."

Horoscopes

Her Majesty’s Satanic Horoscopes™

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

Welcome, doomed disciples of the astral abyss. Her Majesty has consulted the infernal tea leaves, cross-referenced them with yak entrails, and summoned a fresh heap… Read More

“Oh no, not I, I will survive. Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.”

Horoscopes

Free Horoscopes to Good Homes

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

Welcome, seeker of free horoscopes and questionable life advice. The stars are drunk, the toaster is clapping, and your destiny just tripped over a houseplant.… Read More

Our homemade horoscopes are straight from the oven of destiny.

Horoscopes

Homemade Horoscopes to Keep You in Stitches

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

It is a grim business being a mortal today. The stars are not aligned; they have gone on strike. I begged them for cosmic guidance,… Read More

When your horoscope says “look to the stars” and you take it way too literally.

Horoscopes

Your Daily Unhinged Horoscopes

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

(Ahoy. The stars are drunk, the moon is in a mood, and the cosmos just texted “lol good luck.” Let us dive into your unhinged… Read More

A cartoon-style illustration of a flushed, disheveled man clinging to a glowing lamppost under a starry night sky, visibly drunk with a wine glass in hand and bubbles floating above his head. His tie is askew, his eyes half-closed, and his posture slumped, suggesting cosmic inebriation. The lamppost casts warm light on cobblestones below, while distant stars twinkle in quiet judgment. The scene evokes a whimsical yet chaotic mood—a true celestial nightmare.

"I seen 'em do dis on TV."

Horoscopes

Horoscopes on the Rocks: A Celestial Nightmare

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

(Ohhh, hiccup, the cosmosh ish sloshed. The zzzodiac’sh been sippin’ Nebula Noir and now they’re hiccup burpin’ propheciesh into their goblets. Prepare for a celestial… Read More

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly disguised as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval.

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.