Horoscopes Archives - Page 10 of 24 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Sports car or pick-up truck?

Dale Droot, 58, regional grit consultant

Allegedly parked at 22 Gravel Onion Road, Muncie, IN

Pick-up truck. A sports car says you have unresolved feelings about your hairline. A pick-up says you might help someone move, then mention it for twelve years.

Tessa Clune, 46, fragrance accountability officer

Allegedly reversing carefully at 7 Lilac Spur, Reno, NV

Sports car. I respect a vehicle that announces bad judgment before the driver even opens his mouth. A pick-up truck always looks like it is late to supervise gravel.

Marlene Bix, 69, retired driveway theorist

Allegedly idling at 301 Bent Hydrangea Lane, Utica, NY

Pick-up truck for life, sports car for lunch. One moves mulch, furniture, and shame. The other moves a divorced orthodontist toward a leather jacket he cannot justify.

"Donald Trump is a meanie."

Horoscopes

Horoscopes Provided by Talk Show Hosts

philmaggitti horoscopes, trump 7 months

If the celestial stars must speak, let them do so through the most overpaid, overexposed, and over-caffeinated mouths of talk show hosts. Why trust ancient… Read More

“All damn day they want love, money, and meaning.”

Horoscopes

Real Horoscopes You Can Trust

philmaggitti horoscopes, top ten lists 7 months

Step right up, star seekers and skeptics alike! You have tried the rest, now try the blessed–because Real Horoscopes You Can Trustâ„¢ are here to… Read More

“You gaze into the cosmos seeking meaning. The cosmos updates its privacy settings.”

Horoscopes

Existential Horoscopes

philmaggitti horoscopes 7 months

The stars, once proud to dictate destiny, have taken a philosophy course and fallen into despair. These existential horoscopes are for rational beings who realize… Read More

Pour me, poor me ...

Horoscopes

Happy Horoscopes for Unhappy Souls

philmaggitti horoscopes, Paris Hilton 7 months

Welcome to Happy Horoscopes for Unhappy Souls, where the stars do not so much guide you as roast you gently over a cosmic flame. If… Read More

Horoscopes

Happy Horoscopes for End Times and Beyond

philmaggitti horoscopes 7 months

The stars have been doing bong hits again, and somebody is texting you at 2 a.m. with predictions no sane person would take seriously. Your… Read More

A wistful woman in a soft gray dress sits by a window, gazing tenderly at a mop she’s holding as if it’s a confidant, embodying the surreal melancholy of Cosmic Whiplash Horoscopes.

"How do you expect me to move on when you’re the only one who truly absorbs me?"

Horoscopes

Cosmic Whiplash: Horoscopes for the Terminally Self-Aware

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

â™ˆ AriesYou wake up convinced your toaster is judging you. It is. It will exact vengeance via burnt bagels. Avoid eye contact with crossing guards.… Read More

If you are seeing double ...

Horoscopes

Double Horoscopes: The Cosmic Split Infinitive

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

The cosmos, like your ex’s apology, always comes in two flavors: suspiciously sweet and suspiciously timed. Thus, we present the Double Horoscopes format today: one… Read More

"Whatever doesn't kill you is probably still trying."

Horoscopes

Lonely Hearts Horoscopes for One

philmaggitti horoscopes 8 months

Looking at love through the cracked mirror of the cosmos, scored to a mixtape of desperate jukebox hits and celestial indifference. Here comes the full… Read More

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly disguised as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval.

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.