Real Horoscopes You Can Trust

Step right up, star seekers and skeptics alike! You have tried the rest, now try the blessed–because Real Horoscopes You Can Trustâ„¢ are here to scrub your cosmic grime, polish your planetary prospects, and leave your destiny streak free! That is right, guv’nor, these are not your run of the mill mystic mumbo jumbo forecasts–these beauties are certified by the Galactic Bureau of Reasonable Guesses and guaranteed to make you say, “Blimey, that is me!” So pull up a chair, pour yourself a lukewarm cup of fate, and let us see what the heavens have bunged up for you this week.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You crave action, drama, and validation, often in that order. This week, your phone autocorrects every word to “ME.” The stars suggest humility, but autocorrect insists otherwise.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Steadfast, loyal, and slow to change–like a Wi-Fi router from 2008. Venus advises you to upgrade, but you’ll just unplug yourself, wait ten seconds, and hope that fixes everything.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
You’ll have an argument with yourself and lose. Mercury sends mixed signals, but that’s your love language. On the bright side, you’ll finally find your AirPods–in the freezer.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
Your emotions are running a marathon while your logic stops for snacks. The Moon says it’s time to open up. Everyone else says maybe don’t.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
You will receive the attention you crave, but mostly from telemarketers and people asking if you’ve “tried mindfulness.” The universe loves you, but it’s seeing other people.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
You make a to-do list for your to-do list. Saturn is impressed but also worried. Your aura smells faintly of disinfectant and unfinished business.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
You’ll be torn between two choices, then a third one you invent to avoid the first two. The scales tip toward chaos, but at least it’s symmetrical.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
You sense betrayal in every text message, even the ones you sent. Pluto urges transformation; you’ll settle for changing your lock screen.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Adventure calls! Unfortunately, it’s a robocall. Still, you’ll buy a plane ticket to “somewhere cheaper than therapy.” Jupiter blesses your recklessness with frequent flyer miles.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You climb every mountain, but only if there is decent Wi-Fi at the summit. The stars advise rest, which you interpret as “work harder at resting.”

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Your innovative ideas are ahead of their time, which is why no one understands them or you. Uranus beams pride; your landlord beams eviction notices.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
You dissolve into a puddle of feelings around Friday. Neptune whispers, “Follow your dreams,” but your dreams involve napping on government time.

For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.