Horoscopes Archives - Page 9 of 24 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Sports car or pick-up truck?

Dale Droot, 58, regional grit consultant

Allegedly parked at 22 Gravel Onion Road, Muncie, IN

Pick-up truck. A sports car says you have unresolved feelings about your hairline. A pick-up says you might help someone move, then mention it for twelve years.

Tessa Clune, 46, fragrance accountability officer

Allegedly reversing carefully at 7 Lilac Spur, Reno, NV

Sports car. I respect a vehicle that announces bad judgment before the driver even opens his mouth. A pick-up truck always looks like it is late to supervise gravel.

Marlene Bix, 69, retired driveway theorist

Allegedly idling at 301 Bent Hydrangea Lane, Utica, NY

Pick-up truck for life, sports car for lunch. One moves mulch, furniture, and shame. The other moves a divorced orthodontist toward a leather jacket he cannot justify.

Whimsical zodiac satire illustration showing twelve astrology signs in a cosmic group therapy circle around a tiny planet, each displaying unique personalities in bright colors on a light background.

Cosmic sewing circle

Horoscopes

Zodiac Satire: The Retrograde Support Group

philmaggitti horoscopes, trump 7 months

The planets are holding a cosmic intervention. Mercury brought snacks; Pluto brought trauma; Venus brought an excuse. Welcome to Zodiac Satire: The Retrograde Support Group–where… Read More

“Mercury’s in retrograde again?! I just graded twelve signs of chaos!”

Horoscopes

Funny Horoscopes: Mercury Ate My Homework

philmaggitti horoscopes, trump 7 months

Mercury is in chaos mode, and your inbox has turned into a revenge plot. The stars are grading your life choices on a curve, and… Read More

Bright, quirky illustration of twelve astrology signs as cartoon characters in a colorful group therapy scene, each showing unique zodiac traits—playful, surreal, and full of personality.”

Caption: Twelve astrology signs, one group session, and absolutely no therapist brave enough to attend.

Horoscopes

Astrology Signs for People Who Have Given Up on Therapy

philmaggitti horoscopes, trump 7 months

You have tried journaling, meditation, aroma therapy, and that one shrink who said “Let’s unpack that” like you were emotional luggage. It is time to… Read More

An illustration for No-Bull Astrology Predictions showing a fierce bull surrounded by zodiac symbols on a pale background, representing bold, irreverent astrology predictions from a crooked universe.

“Go ahead, blame Mercury again. I dare you.”

Horoscopes

No-Bull Astrology Predictions: Straight Talk from a Crooked Universe

philmaggitti horoscopes 7 months

The celestial rumor mill has been busy again, cranking out the usual puff-piece promises of abundance, transformation, and spiritual glow-ups. Ignore that nonsense. Here at… Read More

An AI oracle with a half-human, half-robot face gazes into a glowing crystal ball made of circuitry, surrounded by holographic zodiac symbols and soft golden light on a pale background — illustrating AI horoscopes where algorithms read the stars and your search history.

Astrology’s final upgrade: the oracle is silicon, the insight is data-mined, and your fate is fully indexed.

Horoscopes

AI Horoscopes: Algorithms Read Your Stars (and Your Search History)

philmaggitti horoscopes 7 months

Artificial intelligence has perfected the art of astrology: AI Horoscopes. Gone are the days of human error, intuition, and compassion. Destiny is now is derived… Read More

Glowing Ouija board surrounded by ghostly blue and violet hands as a luminous planchette traces zodiac symbols in smoky golden light — a vivid, supernatural scene for the Ouija Board Horoscopes: The Dead Speak to Us feature.

Twelve ghosts, one board, zero accountability.

Horoscopes

Ouija Board Horoscopes: The Dead Speak to Us

philmaggitti horoscopes 7 months

The dead have forgotten more than the living know, and most of what the living know they got on line anyway. That is why we… Read More

Colorful Halloween illustration of twelve zodiac figures in whimsical costumes—lion in tutu, crab with crown, bull in cape—floating among constellations under a glowing moon for Trick or Treat horoscopes.

"Even the constellations are begging for candy this year."

Horoscopes

Horoscopes for Trick or Treat, Early Edition

philmaggitti horoscopes 7 months

We are posting this year’s Horoscopes for Trick or Treat a few days early to avoid the seasonal rush of sugar, hysteria, and costume indecision.… Read More

Illustration of a glowing coin floating in space next to a planet, symbolizing the sports gambling fate with zodiac and sports markings.

“When the universe flips the coin, the house always wins.”

Horoscopes

Sports Gambling Horoscopes

philmaggitti horoscopes 7 months

â™ˆ Aries (March 21–April 19) You are feeling bold enough to call the coin toss and rig the replay booth. Odds of pulling off a… Read More

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly disguised as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval.

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.