Ouija Board Horoscopes: The Dead Speak to Us

The dead have forgotten more than the living know, and most of what the living know they got on line anyway. That is why we must study the mistakes of the past, so we can repeat them with better lighting and make-up. Today the stars have handed the mic to twelve dearly departed icons who have nothing left to lose but their reputations. Through the unholy medium of the Ouija Board, they have dialed in from the afterlife to offer guidance, shade, and unsolicited opinions. The living may call it astrology; the dead call it networking.

♈ Aries – Kurt Cobain

You are feeling restless, reckless, and way overdubbed. You will start three projects, put bullets in all of them, and then begin to take aim at  your Spotify playlists.

♉ Taurus – Anthony Bourdain

Your hunger for lasting love outweighs your appetite for haute cusine or personal dignity. Your significant other dishes a taste to someone much younger than you. Resist blackmail and the desire to tie up any lose ends hanging around.

♊ Gemini – Amy Winehouse

You say you are fine, darling, but your eyeliner knows better. Expect a duet between denial and charisma that even autotune cannot fix. You will promise “no drama” by noon, but headline your own breakup cabaret by dusk. Amy will suggest rehab, but you will ghost her, too.

♋ Cancer – Robin Williams

Your sense of the absurd could power a small city or drown it. You will oscillate between manic generosity and emotional devastation. Remember: not every sad clown is tragic, but every tragic one is memorable. Laughter is still the best medication, even posthumously.

♌ Leo – Prince

You are the purple nebula of your own universe, and you are still mad because nobody clapped hard enough. Today expect thunder, velvet, and at least one spiritual key change. Prince wants you to solo longer, so go full guitar orgasm on destiny.

â™ Virgo – Steve Jobs

You are haunted by fonts, flaws, and people who microwave fish at work. Innovation stalks you like karma in black turtlenecks. Today  “simplify” until only your ego remains. Perfection is only procrastination with a better user interface.

♎ Libra – David Bowie

You will reinvent yourself today–again–and somehow pull it off. Expect cosmic applause and mild identity vertigo. Try not to fall in love with your own reflection in the event horizon. The afterlife called to say your cheekbones are still trending.

â™ Scorpio – Joan Rivers

Darling, I hate to tell you this, but the dead have better Wi-Fi than you. That is how I know you will insult three people today, fix your contour, and still make it in time  for the theater. In eternity, we call that “roasting with purpose.”

â™ Sagittarius – Hunter S. Thompson

The stars are paranoid, stoned, and heavily armed. You will chase enlightenment through caffeine, chaos, and conspiracy podcasts. Trust no one, especially yourself, and remember: astrology is just journalism on acid. Load your metaphors carefully.

♑ Capricorn – Betty White

You will manage chaos with ersatz grace, booze, and a grin that could melt bureaucracies. Age, death, deadlines–none of it fazes you. A  comeback always looms, even if you have to rise out of your urn to do it. Act ditzy, that always puts people off guard.

â™’ Aquarius – George Carlin

You are cosmically over it. You will deliver truth bombs disguised as punchlines and lose friends who think “sarcasm” is a mood disorder. The universe is a badly written joke, edit ruthlessly. The dead are laughing with you, not at you. Probably.

♓ Pisces – Whitney Houston

Your emotions will crest like a key change in a bathtub. Melodrama? Maybe. Transcendence? Definitely. Sing through the chaos, float through the feedback, and don’t apologize for crying during commercials. The stars want you to hit that high note, one last time.

For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.

⚠️ Satire rules here. If you are looking for facts, bring your own. If you are looking for spiritual, economic, or moral counseling, try prayer. Just do not bring any lawyers around this entertainment-only venue.