Funny Horoscopes: Mercury Ate My Homework
Mercury is in chaos mode, and your inbox has turned into a revenge plot. The stars are grading your life choices on a curve, and the curve is a circle in these funny horoscopes. Let us see who fails most creatively this week.
♈ Aries — You are not impulsive; you are just pre-approved for disaster. If life were a group project, you would be the reason the teacher drinks.
♉ Taurus — Your emotional support candle is judging you. Treat yourself to something unnecessary. It is cheaper than therapy and smells less like denial.
♊ Gemini — You accidentally join a Slack channel that contains only your intrusive thoughts. Mercury approves; chaos thrives.
♋ Cancer — Someone calls you “clingy.” You call it “emotional Wi-Fi,” though your signal strength is unstable.
♌ Leo — You mistake constructive criticism for applause. The audience is imaginary, but your confidence is real.
♍ Virgo — You try to organize your feelings alphabetically. Under F you find “futile.”
♎ Libra — You spend three hours deciding whether to ghost someone or respond with an emoji. Venus sighs audibly.
♏Scorpio — You text “we need to talk” to three people before breakfast, just to feel alive. Your power move is emotional brinkmanship.
♐ Sagittarius — You plan a spiritual journey but end up at a gas station eating Corn Nuts. Enlightenment is optional.
♑ Capricorn — You climb the mountain of ambition like it owes you money. Success will not love you back, but at least it is punctual.
♒ Aquarius — You invent a new ideology halfway through breakfast. No one joins. Even your cereal looks skeptical.
♓Pisces — You confuse intuition with Wi-Fi interference. The universe keeps buffering your epiphanies.
Tomorrow: “The Universe Puts You on Read.” Bring tissues and plausible deniability.
For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.
